


Press One For Revolution

by yallaintright, zimriya



Category: Les Misérables (2012), Les Misérables - All Media Types, Les Misérables - Schönberg/Boublil, Les Misérables - Victor Hugo
Genre: F/M, M/M, Texting, texting fic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-01-11
Updated: 2014-05-06
Packaged: 2018-01-08 07:06:39
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 6
Words: 15,635
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1129769
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/yallaintright/pseuds/yallaintright, https://archiveofourown.org/users/zimriya/pseuds/zimriya
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p><b>5:45 PM </b><br/><b>From Enjolras to Courfeyrac, Courfeyrac’s phone.</b><br/>Enjolras: I am currently in your bedroom.<br/>Enjolras: There is a lighter in my right hand.<br/>Enjolras: And your My Little Pony blanket is in my left hand.<br/>Enjolras: What. Did. You. Do. To. My. Laundry.<br/>Courfeyrac: um<br/>Courfeyrac: remember how i said someone had stolen all your clothes?<br/>Enjolras: Yes.<br/>Courfeyrac: it wasnt so much that your clothes were stolen<br/>Courfeyrac: more like i accidentally gliterified them<br/>Courfeyrac: enjolras?<br/><b>5: 50 PM </b><br/>Courfeyrac: enjolras?</p><p>Or, a Les Amis college AU, told through texts.</p><p>
  <b>This fic is now discontinued</b>
</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Part 1: Condom Fairy

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This was originally posted [here](http://1800-patria.tumblr.com/post/55551655616/a-les-mis-texting-blog-expect-plenty-of-college), in gif format. However, seeing as some people said gifs were sometimes too hard to read, we decided to upload a text version to AO3, so as to make things easier to everyone.
> 
> Betaed by Murf.

**WEDNESDAY**

**1:45 PM**

**From Courfeyrac to Enjolras, Courfeyrac’s phone.**

**Courfeyrac** : dude who decided to put condoms in the refrigerator

 **Enjolras** : Courfeyrac, I am busy.

 **Courfeyrac** : was it r?

 **Courfeyrac** : i bet it was r

 **Courfeyrac** : it was r last time

 **Courfeyrac** : shit i wasnt supposed to tell you that

 **Courfeyrac** : enjolras?

 **Enjolras** : Why did Grantaire put condoms in the refrigerator?

 **Courfeyrac** : SO I HEAR YOU HAVE CLASS RIGHT NOW ILL STOP BOTHERING YOU HAHA

 

**1:52 PM**

**From Courfeyrac to Grantaire, Courfeyrac’s phone.**

**Courfeyrac** : do you have a will?

 **Grantaire** : well

 **Grantaire** : that depends on who you ask

 **Grantaire** : and whether they believe in determinism

 **Grantaire** : i mean do you believe things are just meant to be?

 **Grantaire** : and does it matter whether or not you have free will?

 **Grantaire** : does mankind suck because theyre meant to suck or does mankind suck because people choose to suck?

 **Courfeyrac** : um

 **Grantaire** : or is this one of your inspirational things again?

 **Grantaire** : are you going to start yelling at me about putting my mind to things

 **Grantaire** : because i can assure you, putting my mind to things is not on my agenda

 **Grantaire** : my mouth on the other hand....

 **Grantaire** : fuck

 **Courfeyrac** : are you drunk?

 **Grantaire** : so do i have a will?

 **Courfeyrac** : we’re not done with this conversation i’ll have you know

 **Grantaire** : why am i not surprised

 **Courfeyrac** : i initially planned on warning you that enjolras might know about the incident with the fridge

 **Grantaire** : what

 **Courfeyrac** : but since you have such little concern for my suggestions i will not do so

 **Grantaire** : what did you do

 **Grantaire** : courfeyrac?

 **Grantaire** : did you turn off your phone?

 

**2:02 PM**

**From Grantaire to Combeferre, Grantaire’s phone.**

**Grantaire** : hey text courfeyrac for me?

 **Combeferre** : You’re lucky I’m on break.

 **Grantaire:** oh i know

 **Grantaire** : contrary to popular belief i do listen when Enjolras rants at me

 **Grantaire** : or at courfeyrac

 **Grantaire** : or at anyone actually

 **Grantaire** : i just choose to ignore everything he says afterwards

 **Grantaire** : except for that one time he went off on a boxers vs briefs tangent

**2:04 PM**

**Grantaire** : but moving on

 **Grantaire** : courfeyrac

 **Combeferre** : Anything you want me to ask him in particular?

 **Grantaire** : just find out if his phone is on

 **Grantaire** : without asking him if his phone is on

 

**2:05 PM**

**From Combeferre to Courfeyrac, Courfeyrac’s phone.**

**Combeferre** : What did you do?

 **Courfeyrac** : did r send you?

 **Courfeyrac** : that bastard

 **Combeferre** : Not Grantaire, actually.

 **Courfeyrac** : if it was the condom it wasnt me, i found it

 **Courfeyrac** : ask enjolras

 **Courfeyrac** : if it was the laundry thing no comment

 **Combeferre** :

 **Courfeyrac** : combeferre

 **Courfeyrac** : combeferre was that a mistake

 **Courfeyrac** : combeferre did you mean to send that

 **Courfeyrac** : combeferre

 **Courfeyrac** : COMBEFERRE

 **Courfeyrac** : COMBEFERRE WAS IT YOUR LAUNDRY IM SORRY

 **Courfeyrac** : PLEASE DONT KILL ME I HAVE SO MUCH TO LIVE FOR

 **Courfeyrac** : THERES GOING TO BE ANOTHER SPICE GIRLS REUNION SOON I CAN FEEL IT

 

**2:09 PM**

**From Combeferre to Grantaire, Combeferre’s phone.**

**Combeferre** : His phone is on.

 **Grantaire** : thanks

 **Combeferre** : If you kill him, try not to get blood on the books.

 **Combeferre** : Literature shouldn’t have to suffer just because Courfeyrac exists.

 **Combeferre** : And please make sure to rob him first--bastard owes me twenty dollars.

 

**2:11 PM**

**From Grantaire to Courfeyrac, Grantaire’s phone.**

**Grantaire** : what do you mean enjolras knows about the fridge thing?

 **Courfeyrac** : R THANK GOD SAVE ME COMBEFERRES GOING TO KILL ME

 **Courfeyrac** : R

 **Courfeyrac** : GRANTAIRE

 **Courfeyrac** : GRANTAIRE

 **Courfeyrac** : GRANTAIRE

 **Courfeyrac** : MOM

 **Courfeyrac** : MOM

 **Courfeyrac** : MOM

 **Courfeyrac** : MOMMY

 **Grantaire** : STOP THAT RIGHT NOW OR I SWEAR TO GOD I WILL TELL ENJOLRAS YOU VOTED REPUBLICAN BECAUSE YOU THINK MITT ROMNEY IS HOT

 **Courfeyrac** : you are a dirty filthy liar

 **Grantaire** : problem?

 **Courfeyrac** : shut up. i just think he looks very good for a man his age

 **Courfeyrac** : it’s in the eyes

 **Courfeyrac** : they still shine

 **Grantaire** : oh yeah they shine bright like a bigot

 **Courfeyrac** : fuck you now i want a baguette

 

**2:13PM**

**From Courfeyrac to Marius, Courfeyrac’s phone.**

**Courfeyrac** : hey are you busy?

 **Courfeyrac** : can you bring me a baguette?

 **Courfeyrac** : im hungry

 **Courfeyrac** : please?

 **Courfeyrac** : marius?

 **Marius** : Why am I friends with you again?

 

**2:14 PM**

**From Courfeyrac to Grantaire, Courfeyrac’s phone.**

**Courfeyrac** : BUT MOVING ONTO OTHER IMPORTANT ISSUES: COMBEFERRE

 **Courfeyrac** : GRANTAIRE HELP

 **Courfeyrac** : I WILL SEND YOU A CLOSE UP OF ENJOLRAS’ ASS IN LEATHER PANTS IF YOU STOP IGNORING ME

 **Courfeyrac** : PLEASE

 

**2 :15 PM**

**From Grantaire to Combeferre, Grantaire’s phone.**

**Grantaire** : is he yelling at you too ?

 **Combeferre** : Sadly.

 **Grantaire** : i think im going to let him suffer

 **Combeferre** : Wise.

 **Grantaire** : you know what could make this worse?

 **Combeferre** : What?

 **Grantaire** : apollo

 

**2:17 PM**

**From Enjolras to Courfeyrac, Courfeyrac’s phone.**

**Enjolras** : What did you do to my laundry?

 

**2:29 PM**

**From Bahorel to Combeferre, Combeferre’s phone.**

**Bahorel** : Combeferre?

 **Bahorel** : Why did Courfeyrac just call me asking about having a will drawn up?

 **Combeferre** : Are you really asking me this?

 **Bahorel** : Good point.

 

**5:25 PM**

**From Courfeyrac to Combeferre, Courfeyrac’s phone.**

**Courfeyrac** : youre awful

 **Combeferre** : We’re sitting right next to each other.

 **Courfeyrac** : i was seriously afraid for my life

 

**5:26  PM**

**From Courfeyrac to Grantaire, Courfeyrac’s phone.**

**Courfeyrac** : youre awful

 **Grantaire** : caught on, have you?

 **Grantaire** : but question

 **Grantaire** : why did you put glitter in Enjolras’ laundry?

 **Courfeyrac** : ...

 **Courfeyrac** : do you really want to kno?

 **Grantaire** : yes

 **Courfeyrac** : really?

 **Grantaire** : no

 **Courfeyrac** : fuck you

 

**5:45 PM**

**From Enjolras to Courfeyrac, Courfeyrac’s phone.**

**Enjolras** : I am currently in your bedroom.

 **Enjolras** : There is a lighter in my right hand.

 **Enjolras** : And your My Little Pony blanket is in my left hand.

 **Enjolras** : What. Did. You. Do. To. My. Laundry.

 **Courfeyrac** : um

 **Courfeyrac** : remember how i said someone had stolen all your clothes?

 **Enjolras** : Yes.

 **Courfeyrac** : it wasnt so much that your clothes were stolen

 **Courfeyrac** : more like i accidentally gliterified them

 **Courfeyrac** : enjolras?

**5: 50 PM**

**Courfeyrac** : enjolras?

 

**5:55 PM**

**From Courfeyrac to Éponine, Courfeyrac’s phone.**

**Courfeyrac** : please distract enjolras so he doesnt come to kill me?

 **Éponine** : no

 

**6:00 PM**

**From Jehan to Courfeyrac, Courfeyrac’s phone.**

**Jehan** : Courfeyrac, what did you do?

 **Courfeyrac** : that would depend on why youre asking

 **Jehan** : I think you broke Enjolras

 

**6:01 PM**

**From Courfeyrac to Enjolras, Enjolras’ phone.**

**Courfeyrac** : there is a perfectly reasonable explanation for what happened, enjolras

 **Enjolras** : Not interested.

 **Courfeyrac** : it was an accident

 **Courfeyrac** : but remember how we agreed to dress up as the powerpuff girls for halloween?

 **Enjolras** : No.

 **Courfeyrac** : okay but r was wearing really tight pants that day

 **Courfeyrac** : youd remember otherwise

 **Enjolras** : Courfeyrac.

 **Courfeyrac** : i bought a bottle of glitter for the costumes

 **Courfeyrac** : and I may have gotten it confused with a bottle of laundry detergent

 **Courfeyrac** : and attempted to do laundry using glitter

 **Courfeyrac** : enjolras?

 **Courfeyrac** : are you coming to kill me?

 **Enjolras** : Run.

 

**6:05 PM**

**From Grantaire to Enjolras, Grantaire’s phone.**

**Grantaire** : are you going to kill courfeyrac

 **Enjolras** : Maybe.

 **Grantaire** : because you look like youre going to kill courfeyrac

 **Enjolras** : Are you stalking me?

 **Grantaire** : i saw you looking murderous from my room when you got back

 **Grantaire** : asshole

 **Grantaire** : but seriously

 **Grantaire** : if youre going to kill courf can i watch?

 **Enjolras** : I’ll even let you help.

 **Grantaire** : perfect

 **Enjolras** : AFTER YOU EXPLAIN WHAT HAPPENED WITH THE CONDOMS THE FIRST TIME

 **Grantaire** :  i have no idea what you’re talking about

 **Enjolras** : God damn it, Grantaire, my grandmother was the one who found them.

 

**6:07 PM**

**From Grantaire to Courfeyrac, Grantaire’s phone.**

**Grantaire** : where are you

 **Courfeyrac** : im not talking to you

 **Courfeyrac** : it has come to my attention that by telling you i was not talking to you i was in fact talking to you

 **Courfeyrac** : so starting now

 **Courfeyrac** : now im not talking to you i mean

 **Courfeyrac** : not literally

 **Courfeyrac** : as soon as i hit send

 **Courfeyrac** : as soon as i hit send on this message

 **Courfeyrac** : as soon as your phone makes that stupid shwoop noise

 **Courfeyrac** : it’s a really odd noise i wonder who came up with it

 **Courfeyrac** : probably steve jobs

 **Courfeyrac** : you know i never got the whole apple thing

 **Courfeyrac** : like why not bananas?

 **Courfeyrac** : i like bananas

 **Courfeyrac** : they have potassium and are phallic shaped

 **Courfeyrac** : hipsters wouldnt be that into apple products if they were banana products

 **Courfeyrac** : so if you think about it, steve jobs is probably the one to blame for hipsters

 **Courfeyrac** : hes like the nerd that launched a thousand hipsters

 **Courfeyrac** : only with more hipsters

 **Courfeyrac** : but that would ruin my pop culture references

 **Courfeyrac** : shit this was probably steve jobs’ plan all along

 **Courfeyrac** : although i am confused as to why hed want his army to wear shutter shades and skinny jeans

 **Grantaire** : courfeyrac you wear shutter shades and skinny jeans

 **Courfeyrac** : shut up

 **Grantaire** : and hes dead

 **Courfeyrac** : cant i mock him if hes dead?

 

**6:10 PM**

**From Courfeyrac to Cosette, Courfeyrac’s phone.**

**Courfeyrac** : hey youre a good person

 **Cosette** : My answer to that question depends on whether you got arrested for indecent exposure

 **Cosette** : Again

 **Cosette** : Because I do not have money to bail you out again courfeyrac

 **Courfeyrac** : oh ye of little faith

 **Courfeyrac** : i forgot my pants one time

 **Courfeyrac** : why must you all throw that in my face?

 **Courfeyrac** : but thats not the fucking point

 **Courfeyrac** : the point is how long does someone have to be dead for before you can mock them?

 **Courfeyrac** : cosette?

 **Courfeyrac** : cosette youre killing me

 **Courfeyrac** : cosette come on

 **Courfeyrac** : cosette i need you

 **Courfeyrac** : HELP ME OBI WAN KENOBI

 **Courfeyrac** : YOURE MY ONLY HOPE.

 **Courfeyrac** : you would be leia though.

 **Courfeyrac** : does that make marius han?

 **Courfeyrac** : !!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

**6:14 PM**

**From Courfeyrac to Grantaire, Grantaire’s phone.**

**Courfeyrac** : if all of us were in star wars, who do you think id be?

 **Courfeyrac** : i think id be han

 **Courfeyrac** : wait im not talking to you

 **Courfeyrac** : nvm

**6:15 PM**

**Courfeyrac** : but think about it.

 **Courfeyrac** : me

 **Courfeyrac** : han solo

 **Courfeyrac** : harrison ford

 

**6:16 PM**

**From Grantaire to Enjolras, Grantaire’s phone.**

**Grantaire** : so killing him is looking pretty great right now

 **Enjolras** : Again.

 **Enjolras** : Condoms.

 **Grantaire** : whats the big deal?

 **Enjolras** : My grandma found those!!!

 **Grantaire** : well at least she knows youre being safe

 **Enjolras** : Yes, and she then proceeded to give me The Talk.

 **Grantaire** : whats so bad about that?

 **Enjolras** : I had to listen to my grandmother talking about how important it is to please your partner for over thirty minutes.

 **Grantaire** : did she tell you about blowjobs?

 **Grantaire** : because it never hurts to know about blowjobs

 **Grantaire** : it’s an important life skill to have

 **Enjolras** : Who told you I don’t know about blowjobs?

 **Grantaire** : wait what?

 **Enjolras** : What?

 **Grantaire** : i want to know what you know about blowjobs!

 **Grantaire** : tell me all about blowjobs!

 **Enjolras** : Is this really necessary?

 **Grantaire** : BLOWJOBS

 **Enjolras** : CONDOMS FIRST.

 **Grantaire** : …

 **Enjolras** : PLEASE DON’T TAKE THAT OUT OF CONTEXT!

 

**6:19 PM**

**From Grantaire to Courfeyrac, Courfeyrac’s phone.**

**Grantaire** : i need you to steal Enjolras’ phone

 **Courfeyrac** : i thought you werent talking to me

 **Grantaire** : no that was you

 **Grantaire** : not talking to me

 **Grantaire** : about how youre not talking to me

 **Grantaire** : by talking to me

 **Grantaire** : this is worse than inception

 **Courfeyrac** : WOOOOOOOOOOM

 **Grantaire** : i see you more as chewbacca tho

 **Courfeyrac** : take that back

 **Courfeyrac** : i dont have nearly enough hair for that

 **Courfeyrac** : and even if i did my hair is far superior to chewie’s

 **Courfeyrac** : my hair is far superior to most people’s tbh

 **Courfeyrac** : wait is this why everyone is always courfeyhating?

 **Courfeyrac** : because you all wish you had hair as nice as mine?

 **Courfeyrac** : are you all jealous because one day i shall grow my hair out like merida’s

 **Courfeyrac** : stay single forever

 **Courfeyrac** : let my hair flow in the wind

 **Courfeyrac** : as i ride through the glen

 **Courfeyrac** : firing arrows into the sunset

 **Grantaire** : i worry about you sometimes

**6:23 PM**

**Courfeyrac** : but why do i need to steal enjolras’ phone?

 **Grantaire** : are you really asking me this question?

 **Courfeyrac** : im inquisitive

 **Courfeyrac** : sue me

 **Grantaire** : Enjolras may have accidentally offered to give me a blowjob if i brought him condoms

 **Grantaire** : i need you to screenshot our conversation so i can frame if for the future

 **Grantaire** : maybe hang it on my bedroom wall

 **Grantaire** : or put it on the ceiling

 **Grantaire** : right above my bed

 **Grantaire** : so it’s the first thing i see when i wake up

**6:30 PM**

**Grantaire** : so will you?

 **Courfeyrac** : did you just touch yourself?

 **Grantaire** : ..

 **Grantaire** : no

 **Courfeyrac** : …

 **Grantaire** : courfeyrac focus

 **Grantaire** : i need all your stealth

 **Courfeyrac** : i am very stealthy

 **Courfeyrac** : cynic grantaire across the hall

 **Courfeyrac** : whos the stealthiest of all

 **Grantaire** : …

 **Courfeyrac** : …

 **Grantaire** : thou, o courfeyrac, art the stealthiest of all

 **Grantaire** : god i hate myself

 **Grantaire** : please just steal the damn phone?

 **Courfeyrac** : whats in it for me

 **Grantaire** : what do you want to be in it for you?

 **Courfeyrac** : say im han solo

 **Courfeyrac** : say im harrison ford

 **Courfeyrac** : say i’m the new harrison ford

 **Courfeyrac** : say im the new better harrison ford

 **Grantaire** : i hate you

 **Courfeyrac** : bc im the new better harrison ford?

 **Grantaire** : bc youre the new better harrison ford

 **Grantaire** : are you happy?

 

**6:32 PM**

**From Courfeyrac to Combeferre, Courfeyrac’s phone.**

**Courfeyrac** : remind me to add ‘my friends like to refer to me as a newer better harrison ford’ to my resume

 

**6:35 PM**

**From Grantaire to Enjolras, Grantaire’s phone.**

**Grantaire** : you know if ppl were to see our conversation sans context theyd probably get all sorts of ideas

 **Grantaire** : enjolras?

 **Grantaire** : did i break you?

 **Grantaire** : i just mean usually when people send me shit like ‘condoms first’ as a reply to blowjobs sex is going to happen

 **Enjolras** : How can you say things like “sans context” and still use horrible chat-speak?

 **Enjolras** : Excuse me?

 **Grantaire** : you saw nothing

 **Grantaire** : nothing to be seen there

 **Grantaire** : nothing at all

 **Grantaire** : maybe you dreamt it

 **Grantaire** : maybe you hallucinated it

 **Grantaire** : maybe youre about to have a caffeine overdose

 **Enjolras** : Fuck you, I’ve only drank five cups of coffee today.

 **Grantaire** : ooooh thats healthy

 **Enjolras** : That’s rich, coming from you.

 **Grantaire** : youre just jealous because i can actually go through more than two hours without a cup of coffee

**6:43 PM**

**Enjolras** : i did it r i have the phone

 **Enjolras** : this is beautiful

 **Enjolras** : you are my idol

 **Enjolras** : i want to marry that conversation

 **Enjolras** : and have its little innuendo babies

 **Enjolras** : fjeoiawf

 **Enjolras** : lkejoqiwppj11204730

 **Enjolras** : random french nonsense

 **Enjolras** : hey

 **Enjolras** : was that french?

 **Enjolras** : this is so

 **Enjolras** : cOOOOOOool

 **Enjolras** : voulez vous coucher

 **Enjolras** : ‘

 **Enjolras** : ‘Mmmmmmm

 **Grantaire** : courfeyrac?

 **Enjolras** : heLO

 **Enjolras** : ‘

 **Enjolras** : !!!!!!!

 **Enjolras** : soooo

 **Enjolras** : how much would you pay me for enjolras selfies?

 **Enjolras** : how much would you pay me for enjolras naked selfies?

 **Enjolras** : help me grantaire hes fjoidmvfngfscmvffnd

 **Enjolras** : joiefvnd vfgewfdcsjnvfecdsn ffsdckx

 **Enjolras:** I will kill you bogeijdsv

 **Enjolras** : eeeeeeeee

 **Enjolras** : Courfeyrac is dead. You are next.

 

**6:57 PM**

**From Combeferre to everyone, Combeferre’s phone.**

**Combeferre** : You are all grounded.

 

**12:04 PM**

**From Courfeyrac to Grantaire, Grantaire’s phone.**

**Courfeyrac** : no but really

 **Courfeyrac** : wouldnt i be han solo

**12:05 PM**

**Grantaire** : go to bed, courfeyrac

 

**12:35 PM**

**From Courfeyrac to everyone, Courfeyrac’s phone.**

**Courfeyrac** : BUT WHY WERE THERE CONDOMS IN THE FRIDGE?????

 

**12:45 PM**

**From Courfeyrac to everyone, Courfeyrac’s phone.**

**Courfeyrac** : AND WHY IS THERE ANOTHER CONDOM UNDER MY PILLOW?


	2. Part 2: Cooking With Enjolras

**THURSDAY**

**1:00 PM**

**From Courfeyrac to Grantaire, Grantaire’s phone.**

**Courfeyrac:** are you up?

 **Courfeyrac:** oh god please tell me youre up

 **Grantaire:** have you been finding condoms in your socks?

 **Grantaire:** because i have nothing to do with that i swear

 **Courfeyrac:** my boxers actually

 **Courfeyrac:** but that is not the problem now

 **Courfeyrac:** the problem is that enjolras is cooking

 **Courfeyrac:** well trying to

 **Courfeyrac:** alert the fire department

 **Courfeyrac:** do anything you have to do to stop him

 **Courfeyrac:** offer blowjobs

 **Courfeyrac:** promise you wont argue with him for a week

 **Courfeyrac:** wait no he likes arguing with you

 **Courfeyrac:** promise youll argue with him even more for a week

 **Courfeyrac:** i dont care just make him stop

 **Courfeyrac:** please

 **Courfeyrac:** i dont want to die

**1:05 PM**

**Courfeyrac:** grantaire?

 **Grantaire:** why i should i care?

 **Courfeyrac:** youre our ra

 **Grantaire:** yeah so?

 **Courfeyrac:** enjolras cooking is a fire hazard

 **Grantaire:** not my division

 **Courfeyrac:** i am punching combeferre for making you watch that damn show i swear to god

 **Courfeyrac:** or worse, i’ll tell enjolras

 **Courfeyrac:** you know how he feels about moffat

 **Grantaire:** youre evil

 **Grantaire:** but im still not going into that kitchen

 **Grantaire:** besides chances are enjolras is already going to get himself killed in his latest cooking attempt

 **Grantaire:** why the hell should i go down there?

 **Courfeyrac:** hes cooking shirtless

 **Grantaire:** i’ll be there in five

 

**1:06 PM**

**From Courfeyrac to Combeferre, Courfeyrac’s phone.**

**Courfeyrac:** do you want to go out for lunch?

 **Combeferre:** Courfeyrac, I am literally in the next room.

 **Courfeyrac:** ah, walking

 **Courfeyrac:** but seriously do you?

 **Combeferre:** Is Enjolras trying to cook again?

 **Courfeyrac:** yes

 **Combeferre:** Right, then.

 **Combeferre:** You’re paying.

 

**1:12 PM**

**From Grantaire to Courfeyrac, Courfeyrac’s phone.**

**Grantaire:** you lied to me

 **Grantaire:** you promised me shirtlessness

 **Courfeyrac:** oh is he not shirtless?

 **Courfeyrac:** he must have just put it back on woops

 **Courfeyrac:** but think of it this way you get to spend time together

 **Grantaire:** i am helping him cook

 **Grantaire:** me

 **Grantaire:** Enjolras

 **Grantaire:** cooking

 **Courfeyrac:** well that sounds nice

 **Grantaire:** he put bread in the fridge

 **Courfeyrac:** we have bread?

 **Grantaire:** he poured milk on the TOASTER

 **Grantaire:** milk

 **Grantaire:** toaster

 **Grantaire:** think about this for a moment

 **Courfeyrac:** well

 **Courfeyrac:** you know what they say about near-death experiences bringing people together

 **Grantaire:** fuck you

 **Grantaire:** now im going to go to class

 **Grantaire:** and you are going to fix this

 **Courfeyrac:** i never thought you were a coward r

 **Grantaire:** when it comes to Enjolras in a kitchen?

 **Grantaire:** you can bet your weight in glitter i am a coward

 **Grantaire:** but its funny

 **Grantaire:** i dont see you here in the vanguard

 **Courfeyrac:** sorry, having a birthday lunch with combeferre

 **Grantaire:** his birthday was six months ago

 **Courfeyrac:** i forget things

 **Courfeyrac:** it’s the thought that counts

 

**1:17 PM**

**From Combeferre to Grantaire, Grantaire’s phone.**

**Combeferre:** For what it’s worth, he did forget my birthday.

 **Grantaire:** youre just as much a coward as he is

 **Combeferre:** You’ll never be able to prove it.

 **Grantaire:** youve been spending too much time with courfeyrac

 **Grantaire:** hes starting to rub off on you

 

**1:18 PM**

**From Courfeyrac to Grantaire, Courfeyrac’s phone.**

**Courfeyrac:** excuse you

 **Courfeyrac:** i havent been rubbing off on anyone

 **Courfeyrac:** or anything for that matter

 **Courfeyrac:** i do keep finding condoms tho

 **Courfeyrac:** which is awkward

 **Courfeyrac:** i had to do a scene with this dude the other day

 **Courfeyrac:** and one of the stage directions was that i had to pull something mysterious out of my bag

 **Courfeyrac:** bc it was one of those days

 **Courfeyrac:** and i ended up pulling a condom out of my bag

 **Courfeyrac** : which wasnt all that mysterious

 **Courfeyrac** : i totally made it mysterious tho

 **Courfeyrac** : bc im a pro

 **Courfeyrac:** and a new better harrison ford

 **Grantaire:** would you let that go

 **Courfeyrac:** you said it, not me

 **Grantaire:** under duress

 **Courfeyrac:** oooh big words, oh high and mighty r

 **Grantaire:** shut up

 **Grantaire:** youre just jealous because my vocabulary is bigger than yours

 **Courfeyrac:** i keep telling you

 **Courfeyrac:** its not the size of the vocabulary that matters

 **Courfeyrac:** its the grammar

 **Grantaire:** i have no idea what thats supposed to mean

 **Grantaire:** are you okay in the head?

 **Courfeyrac:** asks the man who knowingly walked into a kitchen where enjolras was trying to cook

 **Courfeyrac:** just because he thought he was shirtless

 **Grantaire:** i mean to be fair have you seen Enjolras shirtless

 **Courfeyrac:** ….

 **Courfeyrac:** is this a trick question?

**1:19 PM**

**Courfeyrac:** grantaire?

 

**1:20 PM**

**From Courfeyrac to Éponine, Éponine’s phone.**

**Courfeyrac:** hey are you in the dorm?

 **Éponine:** why

 **Courfeyrac** : can you go make sure r is alive?

 **Éponine.** why

 **Courfeyrac** : enjolras is cooking?

**1:21 PM**

**Éponine:** no

 **Courfeyrac** : can i say you are anyway?

 **Courfeyrac** : eponine?

 

**1:22 PM**

**From Courfeyrac to Grantaire, Courfeyrac’s phone.**

**Courfeyrac** : are you alive?

 **Courfeyrac** : eponine is on her way to check on you

 **Grantaire** : dammit courfeyrac i have class

 **Courfeyrac** : no but i see your point about shirtless enjolras

**1:23 PM**

**Courfeyrac** : grantaire?

 **Courfeyrac** : did i break you?

 **Courfeyrac** : is it because i said shirtless enjolras?

 **Grantaire** : why do you know about

 **Grantaire** : that

 **Courfeyrac** : shirtless enjolras

 **Courfeyrac** : come on grantaire say it with me

 **Courfeyrac** : shirtless

 **Courfeyrac** : enjolras

 **Grantaire** : i know where you live

 

**1:25 PM**

**From Courfeyrac to Enjolras, Courfeyrac’s phone.**

**Courfeyrac** : i will tell you the grantaire condom story if you take off your shirt right now

**1:26 PM**

**Enjolras** : Deal.

 

**1:27 PM**

**From Grantaire to Courfeyrac, Grantaire’s phone.**

**Grantaire** : i think this just became prostitution

 **Grantaire** : also

 **Grantaire** : I hate you.

 **Courfeyrac** : NOW you capitalize?

 **Grantaire** : yes

 **Grantaire** : Because I hate you.

 

**1:30 PM**

**From Éponine to Courfeyrac, Courfeyrac’s phone.**

**Éponine** : i think i just heard an explosion

 **Éponine** : please tell me hes got someone down there with him

 **Courfeyrac** : well grantaire is there

 **Courfeyrac** : but enjolras is shirtless

 **Courfeyrac** : so his attention is otherwise occupied

 **Éponine** : whats the point of having him down there then?

 **Courfeyrac** : i didnt want enjolras to die alone

 **Courfeyrac** : because i am a good friend

 **Courfeyrac** : he should have someone there holding his hand

**1:31 PM**

**Éponine:** doesnt grantaire have class?

 **Courfeyrac** : yes

 **Courfeyrac** : but again

 **Courfeyrac** : enjolras is shirtless

**1:35 PM**

**Éponine:** well theyre both still alive

 **Éponine:** and yelling at each other about the proper ways to stuff a chicken

 **Courfeyrac** : wait

 **Courfeyrac** : please tell me this is just theoretical

 **Courfeyrac** : and that enjolras is nowhere near a chicken

 **Éponine:** no there was definitely a chicken

 **Courfeyrac** : oh dear god i thought he was just making eggs

 **Courfeyrac** : hes actually trying to cook isnt he?

 **Courfeyrac** : i bet theres books and shit

 **Courfeyrac** : this will be worse than the time he tried to boil water

 **Courfeyrac** : and forgot to add the water

 **Courfeyrac** : so he just boiled the pot

 **Courfeyrac** : shit he is going to explode the dorm

 **Éponine:** how do you even boil a pot?

 **Courfeyrac** : ask enjolras

 

**1:36 PM**

**From Courfeyrac to Combeferre, Courfeyrac’s phone.**

**Courfeyrac** : do you think i should tell enjolras to put his shirt back on

 **Courfeyrac** : so grantaire doesnt get distracted?

 **Combeferre** : I am LITERALLY sitting in front of you.

 **Courfeyrac** : ..

 **Courfeyrac** : shit

 

**1:40 PM**

**From Combeferre to Enjolras, Enjolras’ phone.**

**Combeferre** : Please put your shirt back on.

 **Enjolras** : No.

 **Combeferre** : Why?

 **Enjolras** : It’s hot.

 **Combeferre** : It’s 75 degrees.

 **Enjolras** : I think I’m allergic to the shirt.

 **Combeferre** : And you notice that after owning it for over three years?

 **Enjolras** : .. yes?

 **Combeferre** : Right.

 

**1:41 PM**

**From Courfeyrac to Enjolras, Enjolras’ phone.**

**Courfeyrac** : OH MY GOD

 **Courfeyrac** : YOURE JUST KEEPING YOUR SHIRT OFF BECAUSE YOU WANT TO IMPRESS R ARENT YOU

 **Courfeyrac** : YOU LIKE THAT HES DROOLING ALL OVER YOU AND COMPLETELY INCOHERENT

 **Courfeyrac** : YOU BIG SLUT YOU

 **Courfeyrac** : GO GET YOUR CYNIC

 **Courfeyrac** : srsly tho

 **Courfeyrac** : i am so happy you finally started listening to my romantic advice

 **Courfeyrac** : this is exactly the way to go

 

**1:42 PM**

**From Courfeyrac to everyone (save Enjolras and Grantaire), Courfeyrac’s phone.**

**Courfeyrac** : all right

 **Courfeyrac** : twenty bucks says enjolras and grantaire get together before winter break

 **Courfeyrac** : and enjolras makes the first move

**1:45 PM**

**Courfeyrac** : it has just been brought to my attention that bets on this have already been placed

 **Courfeyrac** : on the second week of classes

 **Courfeyrac** : on a day i wasnt home

 **Courfeyrac** : and no one thought it would be necessary to inform me of this

 **Courfeyrac** : i hate you all

 **Courfeyrac** : i cant believe you would place bets on our friends’ sex lives

 **Courfeyrac** : WITHOUT TELLING ME

 **Courfeyrac** : i thought we were friends

**1:46 PM**

**Courfeyrac** : whoops gotta go

 **Courfeyrac** : combilicious is sharing his chocolate cake with me

 **Courfeyrac** : you know i cant rant when combilicious is sharing his chocolate cake with me

 **Courfeyrac** : good man this combilicious bloke

 **Courfeyrac** : knows the way to a man’s heart

 

**1:47 PM**

**From Éponine to everyone (save Combeferre and Courfeyrac), Éponine’s phone.**

**Éponine:** i think we may need new bets

 **Éponine** : on combilicious and captain glitter this time

 

**1:49 PM**

**From Grantaire to Courfeyrac, Courfeyrac’s phone.**

**Grantaire** : whatever you told him

 **Grantaire** : it just made him put his shirt back on

 **Grantaire** : i hate you

 **Courfeyrac** : fuck

 

**1:50 PM**

**From Courfeyrac to Enjolras, Courfeyrac’s phone.**

**Courfeyrac** : what are you doing?

 **Enjolras** : I have no idea what you’re talking about.

 **Courfeyrac** : this is not what i want

 **Courfeyrac** : this is not what i planned

 **Courfeyrac** : and i just gotta say

 **Courfeyrac** : i do not understand

 **Courfeyrac** : something is really

 **Courfeyrac** : something’s not right

 **Courfeyrac** : really wrong

**1:51 PM**

**Enjolras** : Was that High School Musical?

 **Courfeyrac** : you noticed!

 **Courfeyrac** : i knew you liked that movie

 **Enjolras** : No comment.

 **Courfeyrac** : no but this is the exact opposite of what i wanted

 **Courfeyrac** : do you need me to simplify this for you?

 **Courfeyrac** : put it into words youll understand?

 **Courfeyrac** : because i can do that

 **Courfeyrac** : i can

 **Courfeyrac** : if you were looking for the opportune moment

 **Courfeyrac** : that was it

**1:52 PM**

**Courfeyrac** : no?

 **Courfeyrac** : johnny depp not doing it for you?

 **Courfeyrac** : i think i do a marvelous jack sparrow

 **Courfeyrac** : its all the knees

 **Courfeyrac** : once you get the run down

 **Courfeyrac** : easy

**1:53 PM**

**Courfeyrac** : i dont think i have the face for a beard, though

 **Courfeyrac** : do you?

 **Courfeyrac** : enjolras?

 **Courfeyrac** : enjolras have you died?

 

**1:54 PM**

**From Courfeyrac to Grantaire, Courfeyrac’s phone**

**Courfeyrac** : hey so nothing exploded, right?

 **Courfeyrac** : r

 **Courfeyrac** : grantaire

 **Courfeyrac** : grantaire answer me

 **Courfeyrac** : grantaire come on im sorry about the shirt

 **Courfeyrac** : ill fix it

 **Courfeyrac** : i’ll make it so enjolras never puts on a shirt again

 **Courfeyrac** : i dont know how i’ll do that

**1:55 PM**

**Courfeyrac** : i’ll steal all of his shirts

 **Courfeyrac** : grantaire come on

 

**1:56 PM**

**From Courfeyrac to Éponine, Courfeyrac’s phone**

**Courfeyrac** : i think i killed enjolras and grantaire

 **Courfeyrac** : i dont know what to do

 **Courfeyrac** : should i flee?

 **Courfeyrac** : im too young to flee the country

 **Courfeyrac** : i have so much to live for

 **Éponine:** theyre not dead

 **Courfeyrac** : eponine!

 **Éponine:** joly’s here

 **Courfeyrac** : oh god

 

2 **:00 PM**

**From Courfeyrac to Bahorel, Bahorel’s phone.**

**Courfeyrac** : hey remember that will i asked you about

 **Bahorel:** Yes.

 **Courfeyrac** : how soon can it be ready?

 **Bahorel:** They don’t go bad, you know.

 **Courfeyrac** : awesome. youre a star.

 **Bahorel:** What did you do now?

 

**2:13 PM**

**From Joly to Courfeyrac, Joly’s phone.**

**Joly:** Why did you tell Enjolras to take off his shirt?

 **Courfeyrac** : interesting question

 **Courfeyrac** : i would answer

 **Courfeyrac** : but the limitations of the human language make it impossible

 **Joly:** Do try.

 **Courfeyrac** : i was trying to play cupid?

 **Joly:** Courfeyrac.

 **Joly:** Enjolras.

 **Joly:** Shirtless.

 **Joly:** Attempting to cook.

 **Joly** : Do you see where I’m going with this?

 **Courfeyrac** : um

 **Courfeyrac** : i was hoping r would kiss it better?

 **Joly** : Imagine Enjolras spilled hot oil all over himself.

 **Courfeyrac** : id really rather not

 **Courfeyrac** : but in case it happened

 **Courfeyrac** : i was hoping r would lick it better?

 **Joly** : I swear I don’t know why I bother with you sometimes.

 

**2:25 PM**

**From Enjolras to Combeferre, Enjolras’ phone.**

**Enjolras** : I notice you were conveniently absent.

 **Combeferre** : You’re alive!

 **Enjolras** : Very funny.

 **Enjolras** : I wasn’t about to blow anything up.

 **Combeferre** : Yes.

 **Combeferre** : But see, last time we left you alone in the kitchen, you burned holes in our only pot. That doesn’t inspire much confidence.

 **Enjolras** : So you left me.

 **Enjolras** : Alone.

 **Combeferre** : I prayed for you.

 

2 **:26 PM**

**From Enjolras to Courfeyrac, Enjolras’ phone.**

**Enjolras** : On a scale of one to ten, how concerned was Combeferre about my well being?

 **Courfeyrac** : um

 **Courfeyrac** : is this another trick question?

 

**2:27 PM**

**From Enjolras to Combeferre, Enjolras’ phone.**

**Enjolras** : …

 **Combeferre** : Courfeyrac prayed for you.

 **Enjolras** : Wow.

 **Combeferre** : Again.

 **Combeferre** : Pot. Holes. Confidence.

 **Enjolras** : Grantaire stayed.

 **Enjolras** : Grantaire tried to help me.

**2:28 PM**

**Enjolras** : Why would he do that?

 

**2:30 PM**

**From Combeferre to everyone (save Enjolras and Grantaire), Combeferre’s phone.**

**Combeferre** : Let the record show that I am still morally opposed to betting on our friends’ sex life.

 **Combeferre** : But be it that I am a broke college student, I would like to double all the money in the pot.

 

**2:31 PM**

**From Enjolras to Combeferre, Enjolras’ phone.**

**Enjolras** : I mean, he didn’t have to go to that trouble.

 **Enjolras** : And he skipped his class.

 **Enjolras** : He loves that class.

 **Enjolras** : He didn’t have to miss his class.

 **Enjolras** : I didn’t want him to miss his class.

 **Enjolras** : I would have been fine on my own.

 **Combeferre** : Éponine heard an explosion.

 **Enjolras** : That was Grantaire’s fault.

 **Enjolras** : But he was only trying to help me.

**2:32 PM**

**Enjolras** : Combeferre?

 **Enjolras** : Do you think

 **Enjolras** : Sorry. Do you think I should thank him?

**2:33 PM**

**Enjolras** : Combeferre?

 **Combeferre** : Yes. Yes, that’s probably a good idea.

 

**2:50 PM**

**From Enjolras to Grantaire, Grantaire’s phone.**

**Enjolras** : Thank you for looking after me today.

 **Enjolras** : I didn’t need it but I know it can’t have been easy for you.

 **Enjolras** : Considering how terrified you looked.

 

**2:51 PM**

**From Grantaire to Éponine, Éponine’s phone.**

**Grantaire** : help

 **Éponine:** i thought joly put a stop to the shirtless chicken stuffing?

 **Grantaire** : im not even going to acknowledge the awful innuendo

 **Grantaire** : but i will acknowledge that i have no idea what to do

 **Grantaire** : help

 **Éponine:** are you okay?

 **Grantaire** : no

 **Grantaire** : Enjolras just said thank you

 **Grantaire** : hes being nice to me

 **Grantaire** : help

 **Grantaire** : ep?

 

**3:15 PM**

**From Enjolras to Grantaire, Grantaire’s phone.**

**Enjolras** : Grantaire?

 

**3:20 PM**

**From Cosette to Grantaire, Cosette’s phone.**

**Cosette** : Eponines been laughing herself silly since i got home

 **Cosette** : While clutching her phone.

 **Grantaire** : dont you get involved

 **Cosette** : Shut up

 **Cosette** : This is the perfect opportunity for you to tell him the condom story

 **Grantaire** : hell kill me

 **Grantaire** : slowly

 **Grantaire** : hell make me suffer

 **Grantaire** : hell make me listen to justin bieber while he does it

 **Grantaire** : i hate justin bieber cosette i cant do it

 **Cosette** : You spend far too much time with courfeyrac

 **Cosette** : And dont be an idiot

 **Cosette** : He likes you

 **Cosette** : Particularly when you’re arguing with him

 **Cosette** : Think of this as another way for him to like you

 

**3:21 PM**

**From Cosette to Enjolras, Cosette’s phone.**

**Cosette** : You are hereby forbidden to kill grantaire

 **Enjolras** : Okay?

 

**3:22 PM**

**From Grantaire to Enjolras, Enjolras’ phone.**

**Grantaire** : promise you wont kill me?

 **Enjolras** : Okay.

 **Grantaire:** so

 **Grantaire** : me and courfeyrac were bored

 **Grantaire** : so we decided to have a water balloon fight

 **Grantaire** : only we had no water balloons

 **Grantaire** : but we did have condoms

 **Grantaire** : so we filled them with water

 **Grantaire** : and threw them at each other

 **Grantaire** : Enjolras?

**3:35 PM**

**Grantaire:** Enjolras?

 **Grantaire:** are you coming to kill me?

 **Grantaire:** because i really should set up my will if thats whats going to happen

 **Enjolras:** But why were there condoms in the fridge?

 **Grantaire:** um

 **Grantaire:** combeferre came home

 **Grantaire:** courfeyrac told me to hide them

 **Grantaire:** i hid them in your fridge

 **Grantaire:** and then i forgot all about it

 **Enjolras:** Oh.

 **Enjolras:** That wasn’t what I thought had happened.

 **Grantaire:** wait

 **Grantaire:** what did you think happened?

 **Grantaire:** Enjolras?

**3:36 PM**

**Grantaire:** wait omg

 **Grantaire:** did you think id slept with courfeyrac

 **Grantaire:** please tell me you didnt think i slept with courfeyrac

 **Enjolras:** Stranger things have happened.

 **Grantaire:** not really no

 **Grantaire:** i have this thing

 **Grantaire:** called standards

 **Grantaire:** and i could never handle sex with courfeyrac

 **Grantaire:** id get glitter poisoning like five minutes in

 **Enjolras:** I see.

 **Grantaire:** but why do you care if id slept with courfeyrac?

 **Grantaire:** Enjolras?

**3:40 PM**

**Grantaire:** Enjolras?

**3:45 PM**

**Grantaire: Enjolras?**

**Enjolras:** Courfeyrac is one of my best friends.

 **Enjolras:** I worry about him.

 **Grantaire:** oh

 **Grantaire:** that makes sense

 **Grantaire:** it wasnt what i thought youd say but it makes sense

 **Enjolras:** Why, what did you think I’d say?

 **Grantaire:** so, why were you cooking?

 **Enjolras:** This conversation isn’t over.

 **Grantaire:** this conversation is as over as my will to live after having to watch you attempting to cook

 **Grantaire:** why the hell were you in the kitchen

 **Grantaire:** weve talked about this

 **Grantaire:** im your ra

 **Grantaire:** i am legally obligated to forbid you to pull shit like this

**3:46 PM**

**Grantaire:** why Enjolras

 **Grantaire:** why

 **Grantaire:** what had the kitchen ever done to you

 **Enjolras:** Everyone’s always saying I don’t eat enough.

 **Enjolras:** I wanted you all to stop worrying.

 **Enjolras:** So I tried to cook.

 **Enjolras:** I do realize now that you all worry less if I just stay away from cooking equipment.

 **Enjolras:** R?

 

**3:47 PM**

**From Grantaire to everyone (save Enjolras), Grantaire’s phone.**

**Grantaire:** five minutes

 **Grantaire:** and then cuddle pile on top of Enjolras

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> You can find this part and the next two in gif format [here](http://1800-patria.tumblr.com/tagged/texting%20for%20patria/chrono)


	3. Part 3: And in That Moment I Swear we Were Robspierre

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This one in particularly is wonderful in gif format, so you should all check it out [here](http://1800-patria.tumblr.com/post/56555267123/a-les-mis-texting-blog-expect-plenty-of-college). (Nat takes full credit for the terrible puns and is sorry.)

**FRIDAY**

**10:30 AM**

**From Bahorel to Enjolras, Enjolras’ phone.**

**Bahorel** : So.

**Bahorel** : You’re going to make me rich, what with all the people asking me to write up wills.

**Bahorel** : I’m assuming you’re the reason, of course.

**Bahorel** : But seeing as I have been on the receiving end of your ‘stare of doom,’ it’s not unreasonable.

**10:31 AM**

**Enjolras** : You do realize you’re not actually a lawyer, right?

 

**10:32 AM**

**From Bahorel to Courfeyrac and Grantaire, Bahorel’s phone**

**Bahorel** : You do realize I’m not actually a lawyer, right?

**Bahorel** : Don’t answer that. I have class.

**Bahorel** : Actually, so do you, Courfeyrac.

**Bahorel** : …

 

**10:33 AM**

**From Enjolras to Combeferre, Combeferre’s phone.**

**Enjolras** : Do I have a ‘stare of doom’?

**Combeferre** : ….No?

 

**10:33 AM**

**From Enjolras to Grantaire, Grantaire’s phone.**

**Enjolras** : Bahorel says I have a stare of doom.

**Enjolras** : Do I?

**Enjolras** : Grantaire.

**Grantaire** : do you know what time it is

**10:34 AM**

**Enjolras** : Was that a rhetorical question?

**Enjolras** : Your phone has the time on it.

**Grantaire** : jesus christ

**Grantaire** : it is too early for words like rhetorical

**Grantaire** : what is wrong with you

**Enjolras** : It’s 10.

**Grantaire** : …

**Grantaire** : god youre serious

**Grantaire** : gimme a sec

**Grantaire** : im going to go stick my head under the sink or something

**10:35 AM**

**Enjolras** : Grantaire?

**Enjolras** : You didn’t actually go put your head under the sink, did you?

**Enjolras** : Grantaire?

**Enjolras** : You went back to sleep, didn’t you.

**Enjolras** : Grantaire.

**Enjolras** : Do you know what day it is?

**10:36 AM**

**Enjolras** : It is Friday.

**Enjolras** : Do you know how I know this?

**Enjolras** : Courfeyrac woke me up with that dreadful song.

**Enjolras** : I will go to your door and sing it at the top of my lungs.

**Enjolras** : Unless you answer your damn phone.

**10:38 AM**

**Enjolras** : Grantaire?

**10:40 AM**

**Enjolras** : Fine.

**Enjolras** : Whatever happens next is your fault.

 

**10:45 AM**

**From Éponine to Cosette, Cosette’s phone.**

**Éponine** : did i get high before leaving the dorm this morning?

**Cosette** : No?

**Éponine** : interesting.

**Cosette** : Why?

**Éponine** : because then enjolras really is singing friday

**Éponine** : while shirtless

**Éponine** : to grantaires door

**Cosette** : Did you take pictures?

**Éponine** : who do you take me for?

**Éponine** : of course i didnt take pictures

**Éponine** : i took a video

**Cosette** : I am so in love with you right now

 

**11:07 AM**

**From Grantaire to Courfeyrac, Grantaire’s phone.**

**Grantaire** : i know you have class right now

**Grantaire** : but i want you to know that it is your fault that i just spent 20 minutes talking to a shirtless Enjolras

 

**11:30 AM**

**From Enjolras to Grantaire, Enjolras’ phone.**

**Enjolras** : You didn’t really answer my question, you know.

**Grantaire** : oh god what now

**Grantaire** : im up and ive already taken a cold shower

**Grantaire** : what more do you want from me

**Enjolras** : Do I have a stare of doom?

**Grantaire** : yes

**Grantaire** : but it’s okay

**Grantaire** : i like your stare of doom

**Enjolras** : Oh.

**Enjolras** : That’s nice.

**Grantaire** : i mean

**Grantaire** : it’s a good stare of doom

**Grantaire** : if i had to do a stare of doom i wish it was like yours

**Enjolras** : You do a pretty good stare of doom too.

**Enjolras** : Well, not doom, exactly, but you do a pretty good stare.

**Enjolras** : Overall.

**Enjolras** : You are good at staring.

**Grantaire** : um

**Grantaire** : thank you?

 

**11:35 AM**

**From Enjolras to Éponine, Enjolras’ phone.**

**Enjolras** : Éponine.

**Éponine** : yes?

**Enjolras** : Hypothetically speaking?

**Éponine** : um?

**Enjolras** : How does one talk to Grantaire?

**Éponine** : how is that hypothetically speaking

**Éponine** : enjolras?

 

**11:36 AM**

**From Enjolras to Feuilly, Enjolras’ phone.**

**Enjolras** : I need help.

**Feuilly** : You need Jesus.

**Enjolras** : What?

**Feuilly** : What?

**Enjolras** : Oh, I hate you.

 

**11:40 AM**

**From Enjolras to Combeferre, Enjolras’ phone.**

**Enjolras** : Why do you have to be in class?

**Enjolras** : I need your help.

**Enjolras** : Well.

**Enjolras** : I need Courfeyrac’s help.

**Enjolras** : But Courfeyrac can’t know that I need his help.

**Enjolras** : Because he would mock me and be awful and I need him not knowing that I need his help.

**Enjolras** : Even if I do.

**Enjolras** : Need his help, that is.

**Enjolras** : Shit.

**Enjolras** : You should probably ignore these texts.

 

**11:45 AM**

**From Enjolras to Courfeyrac, Enjolras’ phone.**

**Enjolras** : Why do you have to be YOU?

**Enjolras** : I mean, I really appreciate that you’re you.

**Enjolras** : But sometimes it’d be easier if you weren’t so you.

**Enjolras** : Even if you were still you.

**Courfeyrac** : i am in class but srsly

**Courfeyrac** : are you high?

**Enjolras** : No?

**Enjolras** : Fuck.

**Enjolras** : Just ignore these.

 

**11:50 AM**

**From Éponine to Enjolras, Enjolras’ phone.**

**Éponine** : seriously enjolras are you okay

**Éponine** : has courfeyrac been switching your coffee for decaf again

**Enjolras** : No.

**Enjolras** : Okay.

**Enjolras** : DON’T mock.

**Enjolras** : And DON’T tell Courfeyrac.

**Enjolras** : Or anyone else.

**Enjolras** : Please.

**Enjolras** : But really, how do you talk to Grantaire?

**Éponine** : hey i got a brand new pair of handcuffs in the mail wanna try them out

**Enjolras** : I am very flattered, Éponine, but I’m gay.

**Éponine** : fuck you i wasnt hitting on your overprivileged white ass

**Éponine** : i was telling you how to talk to grantaire

**Enjolras** : I’m not going to ask him that.

**Éponine** : i am his best friend

**Éponine** : you should totally ask him this

**Enjolras** : But I don’t want to flirt with him.

**Enjolras** : I just want to TALK to him.

**11:51 AM**

**Éponine** : then using the english language usually helps

**Éponine** : also you keep telling yourself that, blondie

**Enjolras** : What?

**Éponine** : you are worse than him i swear

 

**12:05 AM**

**From Enjolras to Grantaire, Enjolras’ phone.**

**Enjolras** : Hey.

**Enjolras** : I’ve got a brand new pair of handcuffs in the mail.

**Enjolras** : Want to try them out?

**12:06 AM**

**Enjolras** : R?

**12:08 AM**

**Enjolras** : **Grantaire**?

**12:10 AM**

**Enjolras** : R?

**12:15 AM**

**Enjolras** : Shit.

**Enjolras** : Courfeyrac stole my phone.

**Enjolras** : And sent you that.

**Enjolras** : I am so sorry.

**12:20 AM**

**Enjolras** : You can stop ignoring me now.

**Enjolras** : I didn’t send that, I swear.

**Enjolras** : Grantaire?

**12:25 AM**

**Enjolras** : Please let me know that at least you’re alive?

**12:30 AM**

**Enjolras** : Um.

**Enjolras** : I realize now that you’re in class.

**Enjolras** : And have been since I started texting you.

**Enjolras**. Fuck.

**Enjolras**. Since Courfeyrac started texting you, that is.

**Enjolras**. Fuck. Again.

**Enjolras** : I’m sorry.

**Enjolras** : Please don’t hate me.

**Enjolras** : Hate Courfeyrac.

**Enjolras** : He stole my phone.

 

**12:31 AM**

**From Courfeyrac to Enjolras, Enjolras’ phone.**

**Courfeyrac** : dude wtf

**Enjolras** : Nothing important.

**Courfeyrac** no srsly what

**Enjolras** : I needed help.

**Courfeyrac** : you needed help?

**Courfeyrac** : enjolras?

**Enjolras** : Cooking.

**Enjolras** : I needed your help cooking.

**Courfeyrac** : funny i was going to swear you needed my help with r

**Enjolras** : What?

**Enjolras** : Who said anything about R?

**Courfeyrac** idk enjolras

**Courfeyrac** : maybe the same person who told me you were shirtlessly serenading him

**Enjolras** : Éponine is a filthy, filthy liar.

**Courfeyrac** : were you singing

**Enjolras** : Yes.

**Enjolras** : Because I needed him to wake up.

**Courfeyrac** : morning blowjobs usually do the trick

**Enjolras** : What?

**Courfeyrac** : what?

**12:32 AM**

**Courfeyrac** : BUT WHY WERE YOU SHIRTLESS?

**Enjolras** : Seriously, how did you know about that?

**Courfeyrac** : YOURE NOT GOING TO DENY IT!

 

**12:33 AM**

**From Courfeyrac to Combeferre, Courfeyrac’s phone.**

**Courfeyrac** : HE WAS SHIRTLESS COMBEFERRE

**Courfeyrac** : HE WAS SHIRTLESSLY SINGING AT GRANTAIRE’S DOOR

**Courfeyrac** : HE WAS SHIRTLESSLY WOOING GRANTAIRE

**Courfeyrac** : I NEED SOMEONE TO HOLD ME RIGHT NOW

**Courfeyrac** : WHY AREN’T YOU HERE

**Courfeyrac** : OH GOD I THINK I NEED TO LIE DOWN

**Courfeyrac** : I AM SO GOING TO WIN THIS BET

 

**12:35 AM**

**From Enjolras to Courfeyrac, Enjolras’ phone.**

**Enjolras** : But I need another favor.

**Enjolras** : Please.

**Courfeyrac** : what?

**Enjolras** : If Grantaire asks about handcuffs, say yes.

**Courfeyrac** : what

**Courfeyrac** : is this part of your grand wooing scheme

**Courfeyrac** : b/c handcuffs?

**Courfeyrac** : why enjolras i

**Courfeyrac** : im almost proud

**Enjolras** : Please.

**Courfeyrac** : fine

**Courfeyrac** : but srsly tho

**Courfeyrac** : if youre trying to woo r i am your man

**Courfeyrac** : diseases are jolys thing

**Courfeyrac** : moths are combeferres

**Courfeyrac** : wooing is my thing

**Courfeyrac** : let me help you

**Courfeyrac** : tho srsly carry on with the shirtlessness

**Enjolras** : Courfeyrac, if I ever ask for your help with wooing, please take me to the nearest hospital.

**Enjolras** : As I probably have just experienced serious head trauma.

**Courfeyrac** : ouch

**Courfeyrac** : that hurt

**Courfeyrac** : you will pay for that

**Courfeyrac** : be afraid

**Courfeyrac** : be very afraid

**Enjolras** : I’m terrified.

 

**12:36 AM**

**From Courfeyrac to Combeferre, Courfeyrac’s phone.**

**Courfeyrac** : do you think i should steal enjolras’ phone

**12:37 AM**

**Courfeyrac** : as you are not replying

**Courfeyrac** : and you always tell me not to do stuff when you think i have a terrible plan

**Courfeyrac** : i shall now assume that you dont think this is a terrible plan

**Courfeyrac** : and therefore steal enjolras’ phone

**Courfeyrac** : thank you for your support

**Courfeyrac** : <3333333333333333333333

 

**12:43 PM**

**From Courfeyrac to Cosette, Cosette’s phone.**

**Courfeyrac** : cosette

**Courfeyrac** : cosette where are you

**12:44 PM**

**Courfeyrac** : you have class now dont you

**Courfeyrac** : if i die i need you to do something for me

**Courfeyrac** : only you can do this cosette

**Courfeyrac** : i cant trust anyone else with this

**12:45 PM**

**Courfeyrac** : i need you to make sure everyone wears something glittery to my funeral

**Courfeyrac** : im glad we had this talk

 

**12:47 PM**

**From Courfeyrac to Jehan, Jehan’s phone**

**Courfeyrac** : are you in your room?

**Jehan** : No?

**Jehan** : I’m at lunch.

**Courfeyrac** : noooooooo

**Courfeyrac** : i need you to be in your room

**Courfeyrac** : so that you can hide me

**Courfeyrac** : until enjolras goes to class

**Courfeyrac** : how soon can you get home?

**Jehan** : Um.

**Jehan** : I’m almost done?

**Courfeyrac** : awesome

**Courfeyrac** : please hurry

**Jehan** : Okay?

**Courfeyrac** : my life is on the line

**Jehan** : What did you do?

**Courfeyrac** : i stole enjolras’ phone

**12:48 PM**

**Jehan** : I’m leaving now.

 

**1:03 PM**

**From Éponine to Courfeyrac, Éponine’s phone**

**Éponine** : enjolras wants me to let you know youre a dead man

**Éponine** : and that you should start planning your funeral

**Courfeyrac** : is he gone

**Éponine** : yep

**Courfeyrac** : did he go to class

**Éponine** : yep

**Courfeyrac** : thank god

**Éponine** : where are you anyway

**Courfeyrac** : jehans

**Éponine** : ah

**Éponine** : that explains it

**Éponine** : how did you get him to hide you

**Éponine** : did you offer him byrons entire bibliography

**Courfeyrac** : i asked

**Courfeyrac** : it’s amazing

**Courfeyrac** : hes actually not afraid of enjolras

**Éponine** : huh

**Éponine** : just like cosette

**Éponine** : it isnt natural

**Courfeyrac** : they both have that big doe eyed thing going for them too

**Courfeyrac** : also r isnt really afraid of him either

**Éponine** : i think he is

**Éponine** : but he likes being afraid

**Éponine** : im sure he knows it’s wrong but it feels so right

**Courfeyrac** : kinky

**Courfeyrac** : but im starving do you wanna get lunch

**Éponine** : you sure about that?

**Courfeyrac** : enjolras has class

**Courfeyrac** hes not going to skip class just to kill me

**Éponine** : point

**Éponine** : meet you outside

 

**1:30 PM**

**From Combeferre to Courfeyrac, Combeferre’s phone**

**Combeferre** : What did you do?

**Courfeyrac** : hey youre free

**Courfeyrac** : come join us were having lunch

**Courfeyrac** : joly can come too

**Combeferre** : Please tell me you didn’t steal Enjolras’ phone.

**Courfeyrac** : of course i didnt steal enjolras’ phone

**Courfeyrac** : i borrowed it

**Courfeyrac** : anyway you gave me permission

**Combeferre** : I was in class.

**Combeferre** : I didn’t say anything.

**Courfeyrac** : i kno isnt this great

**Courfeyrac** : im glad we're such good friends that we dont even have to text to understand each other

**1:32 PM**

**Combeferre** : I was in class.

**Courfeyrac** : we’re practically like best friends

**Courfeyrac** : i even saved you a seat

**Combeferre** : I’m on my way.

**Combeferre** : If he kills you, it’s not my fault.

 

**1:35 PM**

**From Cosette to Combeferre, Cosette’s phone**

**Cosette** : Do you know why courfeyrac texted me about his funeral earlier

**Combeferre** : He stole Enjolras’ phone.

**Cosette** : Ah

**Cosette** : That explains it

**Cosette** : Is he still alive

**Combeferre** : Somehow.

**Combeferre** : I don’t know how he does it sometimes.

**Cosette** : Sheer dumb luck

**Combeferre** : Maybe.

**Combeferre** : Or just a very good survival instinct, perhaps.

**Cosette** : Perhaps

**Cosette** : He kind of needs it seeing as he keeps doing things like stealing enjolras’ phone

**Cosette** :  It would probably be safer if you could just get him to behave

**Combeferre** : He knows how to behave.

**Combeferre** : He just can’t be bothered to most of the time.

**Combeferre** : And honestly, he wouldn’t be Courfeyrac if he behaved.

 

**1:36 PM**

**From Cosette to Éponine, Cosette’s phone**

**Cosette** : So that thing you said about bets

**Cosette** : On combeferre and courfeyrac

**Éponine** : are you in?

**Cosette** : Definitely

 

**1:37 PM**

**From Cosette to Combeferre, Cosette’s phone**

**Combeferre** : Cosette?

**Cosette** : So are you on your way to lunch?

**Combeferre** : Yep. You should come.

**Cosette** : Omw

 

**2:33 PM**

**From Enjolras on Bastien’s phone to Courfeyrac, Courfeyrac’s phone**

**Enjolras** : I am going to kill you.

**2:34 PM**

**Courfeyrac** : bastien?

**Courfeyrac** : what did I do?

**Enjolras** : Slowly.

**Courfeyrac** : are you finally going to return my underwear?

**Courfeyrac** : i was fond of those you know

**Courfeyrac** : spice girls boxers are very rare nowadays

**Enjolras** : Give it back.

**Courfeyrac** : right

**Courfeyrac** : i have class now

**Courfeyrac** : just going to turn off my phone now

**Courfeyrac** : and also my friends phone that i stole

**Courfeyrac** : hey look it’s unlocked

**Enjolras** : Don’t you dare.

**Courfeyrac** : people really shouldnt leave their phones unlocked

**Enjolras** : I swear to god, Courfeyrac.

**Courfeyrac** : bad things could happen

 

**3:45 PM**

**From Grantaire to Courfeyrac, Courfeyrac’s phone**

**Grantaire** : so i hear you stole Enjolras’ phone

**Courfeyrac** : how did you know about that

**Grantaire** : ...you texted me about handcuffs?

**Courfeyrac** : i did?

**Courfeyrac** : i mean i did

**Courfeyrac** : yes i did im sorry about that

 

**3:47 PM**

**From Courfeyrac to Éponine, Courfeyrac’s phone**

**Courfeyrac** : did you tell enjolras to text grantaire about handcuffs

**Éponine** : maybe

**Éponine** : why

**Courfeyrac** : oh it’s on

 

**3:48 PM**

**From Courfeyrac to Grantaire, Grantaire’s phone**

**Courfeyrac** : you should be thanking me

**Grantaire** : for texting me about handcuffs from Enjolras’ phone?

**Courfeyrac** : for giving you an opportunity

**3:49 PM**

**Grantaire** : an opportunity for what, exactly?

**Courfeyrac** : are you serious right now

**Courfeyrac** : really

**Courfeyrac** : god this is going to be harder than i thought

**Grantaire** : what is?

**Courfeyrac** : nothing

**Courfeyrac** : yes i stole enjolras’ phone

**Courfeyrac** : twice

**Courfeyrac** : because i am that stealthy

**Courfeyrac** : in fact i have it right here now

 

**3:50 PM**

**From Courfeyrac on Enjolras’ phone to Grantaire, Grantaire’s phone**

**Courfeyrac** : see?

**Grantaire** : hes going to kill you

**Courfeyrac** : man

**Courfeyrac** : he has all of us in here as our names

**Courfeyrac** : how lame

**Grantaire** : courfeyrac...

**Grantaire** : try to make arrangements so that your funeral is at night

**Grantaire** : pls

**Grantaire** : i overheat when im wearing black

**Courfeyrac** : id rather you wore pink

**Courfeyrac** : glitter would be nice

**Courfeyrac** : maybe a tiara as well

 

**5:13 PM**

**From Enjolras on Combeferre’s phone to Courfeyrac, Courfeyrac’s phone**

**Enjolras** : I am on my way back to the dorm.

**Enjolras** : When I get there, you will give me my phone.

**Enjolras** : Or else.

**5:14 PM**

**Courfeyrac** : aw baby you know i get all tingly when you take control like that

**Enjolras** : Please stop.

**Courfeyrac** : i thought we had something

**Courfeyrac** : am i not pretty enough for you

**Courfeyrac** : am i not good enough for you

**Courfeyrac** : is it because im fat?

**Courfeyrac** : ITS BECAUSE IM FAT ISNT IT

**Enjolras** : Courfeyrac.

**Courfeyrac** : oh they say theyll call

**Courfeyrac** : but fine yes you can have it back

**Courfeyrac** : spoilsport

 

**5:20 PM**

**From Courfeyrac to Combeferre, Combeferre’s phone**

**Courfeyrac** : srsly combilicious, whyd you lend him your phone

 

**5:45 PM**

**From Enjolras to Robespierre (Bahorel), Enjolras’ phone**

**Enjolras** : Courfeyrac changed all of my contacts to ‘Robespierre.’ Who are you?

**Bahorel** : What are you talking about I'm Robespierre.

 

**5:45 PM**

**From Enjolras to Robespierre (Combeferre), Enjolras’ phone**

**Enjolras** : Courfeyrac changed all of my contacts to ‘Robespierre’. Who are you?

**Combeferre** : Would you like to join the Cult of the Supreme Being?

 

**5:46 PM**

**From Enjolras to Robespierre (Éponine), Enjolras’ phone**

**Enjolras** : Courfeyrac changed all of my contacts to ‘Robespierre’. Who are you?

**Éponine** : i am terribly sorry he did that

**Éponine** : would you like to borrow my guillotine

 

**5:46 PM**

**From Enjolras to Robespierre (Feuilly), Enjolras’ phone**

**Enjolras** : Courfeyrac changed all of my contacts to ‘Robespierre’. Who are you?

**Feuilly** : I’m sorry, I can’t hear you over the screams of the tyrants of France.

 

**5:46 PM**

**From Enjolras to Robespierre (Cosette), Enjolras’ phone**

**Enjolras** : Courfeyrac changed all of my contacts to ‘Robespierre’. Who are you?

**5:47 PM**

**Cosette** : That’s Maximilien de Robespierre to you

 

**5:49 PM**

**From Enjolras to Robespierre (Courfeyrac), Enjolras’ phone**

**Enjolras** : Courfeyrac changed all of my contacts to ‘Robespierre’. Who are you?

**Courfeyrac** : OFF WITH YOUR HEAD

 

**5:49 PM**

**From Enjolras to Robespierre (Jehan), Enjolras’ phone**

**Enjolras** : Courfeyrac changed all of my contacts to ‘Robespierre’. Who are you?

**5:50  PM**

**Jehan** : I’m not Robespierre.

**Jehan** : I am Louis XIV.

**Jehan** : L’état c’est moi.

**Jehan** : Who is this Robespierre you speak of?

 

**5:51 PM**

**From Enjolras to Robespierre (Bossuet), Enjolras’ phone**

**Enjolras** : Courfeyrac changed all of my contacts to ‘Robespierre’. Who are you?

**Bossuet** : Robespierre???

**Bossuet** : fuck you im Danton

 

**5:51 PM**

**From Enjolras to Robespierre (Joly), Enjolras’ phone**

**Enjolras** : Courfeyrac changed all of my contacts to ‘Robespierre’. Who are you?

**Joly** : Robespierre?

**Joly** : I am not Robespierre.

**Joly** : I am Marat.

**Joly** : And I am kind of in the middle of a bath, if you don’t mind.

 

**5:51 PM**

**From Enjolras to Robespierre (Musichetta), Enjolras’ phone**

**Enjolras** : Courfeyrac changed all of my contacts to ‘Robespierre’. Who are you?

**Musichetta** : robespierre?

**Musichetta** : no im not here to kill robespierre

**Musichetta** : im here to kill marat

**Musichetta** : im charlotte corday!

 

**5:52 PM**

**From Enjolras to Robespierre (Grantaire),  Enjolras’ phone**

**Enjolras** : Courfeyrac changed all of my contacts to ‘Robespierre’. Who are you?

**Grantaire** : terror

**Grantaire** : terror with virtue

**Grantaire** : virtuous terror

 

**5:52 PM**

**From Enjolras to Robespierre (Marius), Enjolras’ phone**

**Enjolras** : Courfeyrac changed all of my contacts to ‘Robespierre’. Who are you?

**Marius** : You’ve caught me.

**Marius** : It is I, Maximilien de Robespierre.

**Marius** : And on this day--the 10th in the month of Thermidor

**Marius** : with nowhere left to turn

**Marius** : I take my own life.

**5:53 PM**

**Marius** : Nevermind.

**Marius** : I appear to have shattered my jaw.

**Marius** : Please send help.

**5:54 PM**

**Enjolras** : …

 

**5:56 PM**

**From Enjolras to everyone (save Grantaire and Courfeyrac), Enjolras’ phone.**

**Enjolras** : All of you are awful people.

**Enjolras** : I regret ever becoming friends with you.

 

**5:57 PM**

**From Courfeyrac to Enjolras, Courfeyrac’s phone**

**Courfeyrac** : why wasnt i part of that group text

**Courfeyrac** : am i not awful

**Courfeyrac** : does this mean you forgive me

**Courfeyrac** : !!!!!!!

**5:58 PM**

**Enjolras** : No.

**Enjolras** : It was obvious which one was you.

**Courfeyrac** : huh

**Courfeyrac** : what about r

**Enjolras** : What about Grantaire?

**Courfeyrac** : did you kno it was him too?

**Enjolras** : Yes.

**Enjolras** : Why?

**Courfeyrac** : no reason

**Courfeyrac** : so you learned a lesson today

**Enjolras** : Courfeyrac...

**Courfeyrac** : dont be a weirdo who deletes his text history every evening

**Courfeyrac** : and doesnt have a passcode for his phone

**Courfeyrac** : also who even has their contacts under their real names

**Courfeyrac** : youre like a walking sign

**Courfeyrac** : that says ‘courfeyrac please steal my phone’

**Courfeyrac** : you brought this on yourself really

**Enjolras** : Right.

 

**5:59 PM**

**From Enjolras to Grantaire, Grantaire’s phone**

**Enjolras** : Hey, are you busy this weekend?

**Grantaire** : huh

**Grantaire** : are you asking me out

**Enjolras** : What?

**Grantaire** : thats usually what people mean when they ask someone that

**Enjolras** : What people?

**Enjolras** : Who have you been talking to?

**Enjolras** : Have you been on dates?

**Grantaire** : are you ok Enjolras?

**Enjolras** : Yes.

**Enjolras** : But I need your help.

**Grantaire** : ?

**Enjolras** : I need you to rally the people.

**Enjolras** : We’re pranking Courfeyrac this weekend.

 

**6:06 PM**

**From Grantaire to Éponine, Éponine’s phone**

**Grantaire** : get in loser

**Grantaire** : we’re going courfeypranking

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> You can find this part (and the others) in gif format [here](http://1800-patria.tumblr.com/tagged/texting%20for%20patria/chrono).


	4. Part 4: The Great Prank War (One)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Spoiler warnings for season 3, episode 9 of Game of Thrones.

**FRIDAY**

**10:32 PM**

**From Éponine to Grantaire, Éponine’s phone.**

**Éponine** : you look ridiculous

 **Éponine** : what the hell is on your head?

 **Grantaire** : shut up

 **Grantaire** : i am ‘incognito’

 **Éponine** : more like ‘in dire need of a new wardrobe’

 **Grantaire** : youre just jealous you cant pull off the super cool secret agent look

 **Grantaire** : like me

 **Éponine** : well, the important thing is that you believe that

 **Grantaire** : right

 **Grantaire** : are you coming or not?

 **Éponine** : i still dont get why we have to do this on a friday night

 **Grantaire** : have you met Enjolras?

 **Éponine** : case in point

**10:33**

**Grantaire** : are you helping or not

 **Éponine** : i still havent forgotten the time Courfeyrac replaced all my underwear with coconut bras

 **Éponine** : so yeah

 **Éponine** : im helping out

 **Grantaire** : good

 **Grantaire** : tho to be fair

 **Grantaire** : he replaced EVERYONE’s underwear with coconut bras

 **Éponine** : you say that like you werent involved

 **Grantaire** : no comment

 **Éponine** : right

 **Éponine** : who else is coming?

 **Grantaire** : i texted bahorel and feuilly

 **Éponine** : do we need them?

 **Grantaire** : we need them not to be on courfs side

 **Éponine** : anyone else?

 **Grantaire** : idk

**10:34**

**Grantaire** : do you think we should get combeferre?

 **Grantaire** : because i think we should get combeferre

 **Éponine** :  do you want to risk that tho?

 **Éponine** : itd probably be like asking you to prank enjolras

 **Grantaire** : excuse you

 **Grantaire** : i would totally be up for pranking Enjolras

 **Éponine** : well

 **Éponine** : yes

 **Éponine** : but thats because youre still stuck pulling on his pigtails

 **Éponine** : combeferres a much more civil wooer than you

 **Grantaire** : so you think hed say no

 **Éponine** : i think hed say no

 **Éponine** : and tell courfeyrac all about it

 **Grantaire** : fine

 **Grantaire** : but if he ends up on courfeyracs side i blame you

 **Éponine** : fair

 **Éponine** : im outside your room where are you

 **Grantaire** : coming

 

**10:40 PM**

**From Bahorel to Feuilly, Bahorel’s phone.**

**Bahorel** : Hey, where are you?

 **Bahorel** : Don’t we have R’s thing tonight?

 **Bahorel** : Feuilly?

**10: 41**

**Bahorel** : You’re asleep, aren’t you.

 **Bahorel** : I told you not to take back to back classes

 **Bahorel** : Idiot.

 **Bahorel** : Enjolras is going to kill you.

 **Bahorel** : And then I’m going to kill you.

 **Bahorel** : You know I can’t be around all that UST without you.

 **Bahorel** :  It gives me hives.

 **Bahorel** : Feuilly.

**10:42**

**Bahorel** : Fuck.

 

**10: 43 PM**

**From Bahorel to Éponine, Bahorel’s phone.**

**Bahorel** : Please tell me you’re going to be at R’s thing tonight.

 **Éponine** : technically its enjolras’

 **Éponine** : but do you know me

 **Éponine** : of course ill be there

 **Éponine** : when have i ever passed up the opportunity to prank courfeyrac?

 **Bahorel** : Point.

 **Éponine** : in fact, we’re about to start the meeting now

 **Éponine** : where are you guys?

**10:44**

**Bahorel** : So I have good news and bad news

 **Éponine** : bahorel.

 **Bahorel** : I’m outside the dorm...

 **Bahorel** : ...but I do not know where Feuilly is.

 

**10:45 PM**

**From Grantaire to Feuilly, Grantaire’s phone.**

**Grantaire** : you bastard

 **Grantaire** : i trusted you

 **Grantaire** : you have let me down

 **Grantaire** : sleep is for the weak feuilly

 **Grantaire** : sleep is for yellow bellies

 **Grantaire** : real men dont need sleep

 **Grantaire** : i hope youre happy

 **Grantaire** : i hope you feel good about yourself

 **Grantaire** : because youre going to feel awful when you wake up

 **Grantaire** : guess what motherfucker

 **Grantaire** : i baked cupcakes

 **Grantaire** : war cupcakes

 **Grantaire** : and theyre delicious

 **Grantaire** : even Enjolras likes them

 **Grantaire** : he got some icing on his nose

 **Grantaire** : it’s adorable

 **Grantaire** : do you think hed let me lick it off?

 **Grantaire** : um

 **Grantaire** : please ignore the last text

 **Grantaire** : but DONT ignore the cupcakes

 **Grantaire** : because they are perfect

 **Grantaire** : ive really outdone myself this time if i do say so myself

 

**10: 53 PM**

**From Éponine to Grantaire, Grantaire’s phone.**

**Éponine** : whatever you are doing with your face

 **Éponine** : stop it

 **Grantaire** : what

 **Grantaire** : im not doing anything with my face

 **Grantaire** : besides if youre going to yell at someone about their face

 **Grantaire** : you should really yell at Enjolras

 **Éponine** : …

 **Grantaire** : what

 **Éponine** : …

 **Grantaire** : have you seen his face

 **Éponine** : …

 **Grantaire** : LOOK AT HIS FACE EPONINE

 **Grantaire** : JUST LOOK AT HIS FACE

 **Éponine** : you are SO whipped

 **Grantaire** : i hate you

 **Éponine** : well then

 **Éponine** : see if i ever try to help you again

 

**10:57 PM**

**From Enjolras to Grantaire, Grantaire’s phone.**

**Enjolras** : Why does Éponine keep snickering at me everytime she looks at me?

 **Grantaire** : because she is the anti-christ

 **Grantaire** : just be glad shes on our side

 **Enjolras** : Our side? Not just my side?

 **Grantaire** : um

 

**10:58 PM**

**From Grantaire to Éponine, Grantaire’s phone.**

**Grantaire** : i take it back im sorry

 **Grantaire** : help

 **Éponine** : whatever it is

 **Éponine** : no

 **Éponine** : i am sick of being part of your weird as fuck mating rituals

 

**11:00 PM**

**From Éponine to Bahorel, Bahorel’s phone.**

**Éponine** : do you think we should make a documentary out of enjolras and grantaires mating rituals?

 **Bahorel** : Do we have a death wish?

 **Éponine** : goldilocks wont kill us

 **Éponine** : r likes us too much

 **Éponine** : hed be too upset if enjolras killed us

 **Éponine** : enjolras wouldnt want that

 **Bahorel** : I don’t know.

 **Bahorel** : You know what they say about funerals and positive life affirmations.

 **Bahorel** : If Enjolras ever cracks and decides to properly woo Grantaire, that may just be one of his tactics.

 **Éponine** : oh please

 **Éponine** : the only wooing technique that boy has is taking off his shirt

 **Bahorel** : It’s a very good technique, though.

 **Éponine** : what?

 **Bahorel** : What?

**11:01**

**Éponine** : besides, enjolras cant kill us now

 **Éponine** : he needs us

 **Éponine** : can you imagine him trying to prank courfeyrac alone?

 **Bahorel** : True.

 

**11:02 PM**

**From Bahorel to Feuilly, Bahorel’s phone.**

**Bahorel** : So far we haven’t settled on anything prank-wise.

 **Bahorel** : But me and Éponine are making a documentary out of Enjolras and Grantaire’s mating rituals.

 **Bahorel** : Can you imagine the awesomeness?

**11:03**

**Bahorel** : And now we can observe as the Grantaire attempts to annoy the Enjolras into responding.

 **Bahorel** : Will it succeed, watchers?

 **Bahorel** : We think it might.

 **Bahorel** : Wait, but no!

 **Bahorel** : Suddenly, a wild Éponine appears.

 **Bahorel** : And steers the conversation back on course.

 **Bahorel** : Which is good.

 **Bahorel** : Because this is a strategic meeting.

 **Bahorel** : And not the plains of Africa.

 **Bahorel** : Or wherever mating rituals occur.

 **Bahorel** : It is possible that the Éponine has money riding on this.

 **Bahorel** : But I digress.

**11:04**

**Bahorel** : Sadly, the Enjolras does not appear to be impressed by this interruption.

 **Bahorel** : And neither does the Grantaire.

 **Bahorel** : I would like to take this moment, dear watchers, to say that I will be punching them both in the face very soon if they don’t sort their shit out because I too have money riding on this.

 **Bahorel** : Also, if there’s anyone out there watching this by the name of Feuilly.

 **Bahorel** : You should know that you are a filthy traitor.

 **Bahorel** : And you should start sleeping with an eye open.

**11:05**

**Bahorel** : In fact start now.

 **Bahorel** : As you are sleeping.

 **Bahorel** : And not here.

 **Bahorel** : You bastard.

**11:06**

**Bahorel** : Oh but look.

 **Bahorel** : The Enjolras is coming this way.

 **Bahorel** : And glaring.

 **Bahorel** : For those of you back at home, we’ve taken to calling this particular expression ‘the stare of doom.’

 **Bahorel** : Usually it precedes death.

 **Bahorel** : The Grantaire, by contrast, looks somewhat pleased by these events.

 **Bahorel** : This is probably because for some stupid reason, the Grantaire actually likes it when the Enjolras looks like this.

 **Bahorel** : Obviously they’re meant for each other.

 **Bahorel** : Because no one should like it when the Enjolras looks like this.

 **Bahorel** : It is terrifying.

 **Bahorel** : Oh god.

 

**11:37 PM**

**From Bahorel to Feuilly, Feuilly’s phone.**

**Bahorel** : Well, the meeting’s over.

 **Bahorel** : Enjolras is a cruel, cruel man.

 **Bahorel** : Who does things like confiscate phones.

 **Bahorel** : Why are we on his team again?

 **Feuilly** : Because R asked?

 **Bahorel** : Hey you live!

 **Bahorel** : Yay!

 **Bahorel** : You’re still a traitor.

 **Bahorel** : A traitor who left me alone with Enjolras and Grantaire.

 **Feuilly** : I fell asleep!

 **Bahorel** : Excuses.

**11:38**

**Bahorel** : Anyway, our first prank is Monalisafeyrac.

 **Bahorel** : So there’s that.

 **Feuilly** : Monalisafeyrac.

 **Bahore** : Yep.

 **Feuilly** : Monalisafeyrac.

 **Bahorel** : That is what I said, yes.

 **Feuilly** : Do I want to know?

 **Bahorel** : It was R’s idea.

 

**11:40 PM**

**From Feuilly to Grantaire, Feuilly’s phone.**

**Feuilly** : So I was waiting for Bahorel to get home to text you.

 **Feuilly** : Because I was hoping that Monalisafeyrac

 **Feuilly** : Whatever the hell that is.

 **Feuilly** : Would make more sense in person.

 **Feuilly** : It didn’t.

 **Grantaire** : youre just jealous

 **Feuilly** : Of what?

 **Grantaire** : it’s not everyday you discover that not only do you have a knack for post-it note art

 **Feuilly** : What.

 **Grantaire** : but also that its surprisingly easy to recreate famous paintings with said post-it notes

 **Feuilly** : What.

 **Grantaire** : i thought bahorel told you

 **Feuilly** : What, that your great idea is to create a giant post-it-note Courfeyrac as Mona Lisa thing?

 **Grantaire** : yeah

**11:41**

**Grantaire** : feuilly?

 

**11:42 PM**

**From Feuilly to Enjolras, Feuilly’s phone.**

**Feuilly** : What is wrong with you?

 **Enjolras** : Excuse me?

 **Feuilly** :  I thought you were supposed to be the voice of reason.

 **Feuilly** : What’s the fucking point of Monalisafeyrac?

 **Feuilly** : Like.

 **Feuilly** : How is that supposed to affect him?

 **Feuilly** : How is that supposed to strike fear in his heart?

 **Feuilly** : How is that supposed to have him quivering in his boots?

 **Feuilly** : Honestly, what about that screams brilliant prank?

 **Enjolras** : Oh.

 **Enjolras** : Well. I thought it was a good idea?

 **Enjolras** : And if Grantaire can actually make the Mona Lisa out of post-it-notes.

 **Enjolras** : I mean.

 **Enjolras** : Do you really think it’s that bad of an idea?

 **Feuilly** : Oh my god.

 **Enjolras** : What?

 **Feuilly** : Enjolras, are you saying what I think you’re saying?

 **Enjolras** : No, since I cannot actually read minds, Feuilly.

 **Feuilly** : You think it’s a good idea because he thinks it’s a good idea, don’t you?

 **Feuilly** : You think it’ll make him happy to make Monalisafeyrac out of post-it notes.

 **Feuilly** : And you want to see him happy.

 **Feuilly** : You big softy.

 **Feuilly** : Once the prank war is over, you have my full support on wooing your cynic.

 **Feuilly** : BUT UNTIL THAT MOMENT COMES

 **Feuilly** : STOP THINKING WITH YOUR DICK

 **Feuilly** : This is war, Enjolras.

 **Feuilly** : Pranks before pants, man.

**11:43**

**Feuilly** : Enjolras?

**11:44**

**Feuilly** : Enjolras?

 

**11:46 PM**

**From Feuilly to Éponine, Feuilly’s phone.**

**Feuilly** : So.

 **Feuilly** : I think I just broke Enjolras.

 **Éponine** : did you feed him after midnight again?

 **Éponine** : because i keep telling you, you cant do that

 **Feuilly** : Ahah.

 **Feuilly** : No.

 **Feuilly** : I may have told him that he was only going along with post-it Monalisafeyrac because he wanted to climb Grantaire like a barricade.

 **Éponine** : how the hell are you still alive

 **Feuilly** : For starters, I didn’t quite put it like that.

 **Éponine** : good on you

 **Éponine** : you can now join the super secret facebook group of people who have survived goldilocks’ wrath

 **Éponine** : its a very exclusive group

 **Éponine** : you should be proud

 **Éponine** : we hold meetings every weekend and tell war stories

 **Éponine** : courfeyrac is working on a secret handshake

 **Éponine** : we kicked grantaire out last week because if you actually like it it doesnt count

 

**11:48 PM**

**From Enjolras to Combeferre, Enjolras’ phone.**

**Enjolras** : Combeferre?

 **Combeferre** : Yes?

 **Enjolras** : Do you think my judgement towards Grantaire is biased?

**11:53**

**Combeferre** : No.

 **Enjolras** : Why did you pause?

 **Enjolras** : Combeferre?

 

**11:53 PM**

**From Combeferre to Éponine, Feuilly and Bahorel, Combeferre’s phone.**

**Combeferre** : Why did Enjolras just ask me if his judgment towards Grantaire was biased?

11:54

 **Combeferre** : Guys?

 

**11:55 PM**

**From Feuilly to Combeferre, Feuilly’s phone.**

**Feuilly** : I might have told him to stop thinking with his dick.

 **Combeferre** : Why would you do that?

 **Feuilly** : Because it’s true?

 **Combeferre** : How are you still alive?

 **Feuilly** : Grantaire likes me too much for him to kill me.

 **Combeferre** : Right.

 

**11:56 PM**

**From Combeferre to Grantaire, Grantaire’s phone.**

**Combeferre** : For the record, I think you can be perfect for each other.

 **Combeferre** : And I am completely, 100% all for it.

 **Combeferre** : You have the best friend’s approval.

 **Combeferre** : And I’m not going to tell you that if you hurt him I’ll kill you.

 **Combeferre** : But if you hurt him, I’m locking you in a room with Courfeyrac and a 25lb bucket of glitter.

 **Grantaire** : i

 **Grantaire** : i dont even know what youre talking about

 **Combeferre** : Yes, you do.

 **Combeferre** : It’s fine.

 **Combeferre** : I won’t bring it up again but remember.

 **Combeferre** : Courfeyrac.

 **Combeferre** : 25lbs of glitter.

 **Grantaire** : why would you do that

 **Grantaire** : do you want me to get glitter poisoning

 **Combeferre** : If you hurt him, yes.

 

**11:58 PM**

**From Grantaire to Courfeyrac, Courfeyrac’s phone.**

**Grantaire** : is combeferre okay?

 **Courfeyrac** : oh is it you hes been texting?

 **Courfeyrac** : i thought it might be someone else

 **Courfeyrac** : he kept making a lot of choking noises

 **Courfeyrac** : im usually the one who makes him do choking noises

 **Courfeyrac** : …

 **Courfeyrac** : not like that

 **Courfeyrac** : anyway

 **Courfeyrac** : weve been trying to watch a movie but he keeps pausing it to answer texts

 **Courfeyrac** : is everything okay?

 **Grantaire** : yeah

 **Grantaire** : combeferre has just been acting weird

 **Courfeyrac** : have you and enjolras finally pounced on each other?

 **Grantaire** : what?

 **Courfeyrac** : nevermind

 **Courfeyrac** : combeferre is okay, yes

 **Courfeyrac** : now let us watch the movie

 

**12:06 AM**

**From Enjolras to Bahorel, Bahorel’s phone.**

**Enjolras** : How many post-it-notes do you think I need to get?

 **Bahorel** : Wait, are you actually buying them now?

 **Enjolras** : Yes?

 **Bahorel** : Like...

 **Bahorel** : At midnight?

 **Bahorel** : Alone?

 **Bahorel** : In a store?

 **Bahorel** : Just because R mentioned it in passing?

 **Bahorel** : As possibly a joke?

**12:07**

**Enjolras** : You think he was joking?

**12:08**

**Enjolras** : Bahorel?

 

**12:08 AM**

**From Bahorel to Cosette, Bahorel’s phone.**

**Bahorel** : You’ll never guess what Enjolras is doing.

**12:09**

**Bahorel** : Cosette?

 **Cosette** : It’s midnight.

 **Bahorel** : So?

 **Cosette** : So most people are asleep at midnight

 **Bahorel** : Were you?

 **Cosette** : No

 **Bahorel** : What’s the problem then?

 **Cosette** : Fine

 **Cosette** : What is enjolras doing?

 **Bahorel** : Buying post-it-notes.

 **Bahorel** : In bulk.

 **Bahorel** : At midnight.

 **Bahorel** : For Grantaire.

**12:10**

**Cosette** :  Why does Grantaire want that many post-it notes?

 **Bahorel** : For the Monalisafeyrac thingy.

 **Bahorel** : That Enjolras took seriously.

 **Cosette** : Wait what?

 **Bahorel** : ...

 **Bahorel** : I shouldn’t have told you that.

 **Cosette** : Bahorel?

 **Bahorel** : Please ignore this entire conversation.

 

**12:13 AM**

**From Enjolras to Éponine, Enjolras’ phone.**

**Enjolras** : How many post-it-notes do you think I need?

 **Éponine** : um

 **Enjolras** : And do we need them in different colors, you think?

 **Éponine** : why are you asking me?

 **Enjolras** : Bahorel wouldn’t help me.

 **Enjolras** : And I’m not speaking to Feuilly.

 **Éponine** : right

**12:14**

**Enjolras** : Éponine **?**

 **Éponine** : i think you should ask grantaire

 

**12:16 AM**

**From Enjolras to Grantaire, Grantaire’s phone.**

**Enjolras** : How many post-it-notes do you think I need?

 **Grantaire** : that depends

 **Grantaire** : how many can you carry?

 **Grantaire** : and what colors are available?

 **Grantaire** : are they all highlighter colors?

 **Grantaire** : or are there tamer options?

 **Grantaire** : b/c i can work with highlighter yellow

 **Grantaire** : courfeyac has the face for highlighter yellow

 **Grantaire** : idk about the mona lisa

 **Grantaire** : but be it that its the monalisafeyrac

 **Grantaire** : although we probably need black

 **Grantaire** : cause his hair

**12:18**

**Grantaire** : do they even make black post-it-notes?

 **Grantaire** : they probably dont

 **Grantaire** : youd have to write on them with metallic pens or something

 **Grantaire** : unless we go with bright pink hair

 **Grantaire** : ngl i think bright pink hair might be a good look for courf

 **Grantaire** : perhaps some glitter sprinkled in on it

 **Enjolras** : I do like that.

 **Grantaire** : idk

 **Grantaire** : but it’s either bright pink post-its

 **Grantaire** : or both of us staying up most of the night coloring post-its

 **Grantaire** : bc you know the other two wont want to help

 **Grantaire** : bc of their precious beauty sleep

 **Grantaire** : so itd be just you and me

 **Grantaire** : all night

 **Grantaire** : alone

 **Grantaire** : in my room

 **Grantaire** : coloring post-it-notes

 **Grantaire** : together

**12:19**

**Grantaire** : Enjolras?

 **Enjolras** : I’ll go get some sharpies.

 

**12:51 AM**

**From Éponine to Bahorel, Bahorel’s phone.**

**Éponine** : enjolras is back

 **Bahorel** : With post-it-notes?

 **Éponine** : yes

 **Éponine** : he and r are coloring them

 **Éponine** : at 1 in the morning

 **Éponine** : together

**12:52**

**Bahorel** : What?

 **Éponine** : they dont make black post-it-notes apparently

 **Bahorel** : They couldn’t use another color?

 **Éponine** : technically yes

 **Éponine** : however

 **Éponine** : that would give them no excuse to spend the night together

 **Éponine** : so they are sitting on the floor coloring post-it notes with sharpies

 **Éponine** : while eating chocolate

 **Bahorel** : Chocolate?

 **Éponine** : idek anymore

 **Éponine** : but enjolras swears it was on sale

 **Bahorel** : Right.

 **Bahorel** : Can they be any more obvious?

 **Éponine** : are you honestly asking me that

 **Bahorel** : True.

 **Bahorel** : Do you think I should cut off their electricity?

 **Éponine** : why would you cut off their electricity

 **Bahorel** : So they can light candles, Éponine!

 **Éponine** : is that even possible

 **Éponine** : without fucking with the rest of the rooms?

 **Bahorel** : Only one way to find out.

 **Éponine** : NO.

 **Éponine** : down, boy.

 **Éponine** : i need to catch up on game of thrones

 **Éponine** : i cant do that with no electricity

 **Bahorel** : I don’t like you.

 **Éponine** : youre just jealous im prettier than you

 **Bahorel** : Just keep telling yourself that.

 **Éponine** : whatever dude

 **Éponine** : i have game of thrones to watch

 **Bahorel**. What episode are you on again?

 **Éponine** : i watched episode eight last night

 **Bahorel** : So you’re doing nine tonight?

 **Bahorel** : The Rains of Castamere?

 **Ép** : i guess

 **Bahorel** : Um.

 **Bahorel** : Have fun, then.

 

**3:57 AM**

**From Grantaire to Éponine, Éponine’s phone.**

**Grantaire** : so

 **Grantaire** : guess who me and enjolras just found in the common room

 **Grantaire** : asleep on top of each other

 **Grantaire** : all cuddled up on the couch

 **Grantaire** : hint: one of them really likes glitter

 **Grantaire** : the other has resisted the urge to punch The Glittery One all this time

 **Grantaire** : come on guess

 **Éponine** : dont ever talk to me again you fucking bastard

 **Grantaire** : are you alright?

 **Éponine** : i

 **Éponine** : i am so far from alright

 **Éponine** : and it’s all your fucking fault

 **Éponine** : and you got me into this fucking show

 **Éponine** : what the fuck is wrong with you

 **Éponine** : did someone steal your puppy

 **Éponine** : DID SOMEONE KILL YOUR WOLF IN FRONT OF YOUR SISTER

 **Éponine** : bc this happened

 **Éponine** : this is a thing that actually happened

 **Éponine** : i honestly hate you so fucking much rn

 **Grantaire** : are you okay

 **Éponine** : no i am not fucking okay oh my god

 **Éponine** : i’ll send YOU my fucking regards

 

**4:00 AM**

**From Grantaire to Enjolras, Enjolras’ phone.**

**Grantaire** : so

 **Grantaire** : hypothetically speaking

 **Grantaire** : on a scale of one to ten

 **Grantaire** : how much do you think courfeyrac and combeferre would kill me if i slept in their room?

 **Grantaire** : you know

 **Grantaire** : at the scene of the crime

 **Enjolras** : Where are you?

 **Grantaire** : being stealthy

 **Grantaire** : while going to get the rest of the post-it notes

 **Enjolras** : Hurry up.

 **Grantaire** : right

 **Grantaire** : but srsly i can sleep in courfs bed just

 **Grantaire** : i need to not sleep in my room rn

 **Enjolras** : Why?

 **Grantaire** : i think ep wants to kill me

 **Enjolras** : Do you really want to sleep in Courfeyrac’s bed?

 **Enjolras** : Think of all the glitter.

 **Grantaire** : combeferres, then?

 **Enjolras** : And move his notes?

 **Enjolras** : He’ll kill you.

 **Enjolras** : Slowly.

 **Enjolras** : Or give you to Courfeyrac.

 **Grantaire** : fine, i’ll take the floor

 **Enjolras** : Don’t be ridiculous.

 **Enjolras** : Courfeyrac shouldn’t find you within murdering distance when he wakes up.

 **Enjolras** : You can sleep in my room.

 **Grantaire** : um

 **Grantaire** : sure i can do that yeah

 **Grantaire** : no problem

 **Grantaire** : no problem at all

 

**10:00 AM**

**From Courfeyrac to Grantaire, Courfeyrac’s phone.**

**Courfeyrac** : first of all

 **Courfeyrac** : i just found a condom on top of my laptop

 **Courfeyrac** : second of all

 **Courfeyrac** : what the fuck did you do to my bedroom wall??????

 **Grantaire** : go the fuck away courfeyrac

 **Courfeyrac** : no seriously

 **Courfeyrac** : i dont know if i should be impressed or horrified

 **Grantaire** : you can be whatever you want in an hour

 **Grantaire** : or two

 **Grantaire** : im busy being cuddled do death by Enjolras right now

 **Grantaire** : it’s amazing

 **Grantaire** : everytime i try to move he actually whimpers and pulls me closer

 **Grantaire** : he woke up an hour ago

 **Grantaire** : told me that if i tried to get out of bed he was going to tell you it was my idea to do the post-it thing

 **Grantaire** : and went back to sleep

 **Grantaire** : well now you know it was my idea to do the post-it thing

 **Grantaire** : but yolo

 **Courfeyrac** : i

 **Courfeyrac** : you

 **Courfeyrac** : i

 **Courfeyrac** : you

 **Grantaire** : oh god did i break you?

 **Courfeyrac** : YOURE SLEEPING WITH ENJOLRAS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 **Grantaire** : platonically

 **Grantaire** : nothing happened

 **Courfeyrac** : how the fuck did this happen

 **Grantaire** : eponine watched the red wedding last night

 **Courfeyrac** : fuck

 **Grantaire** : yeah

 **Grantaire** : she knows where i sleep

 **Grantaire** : so i couldnt sleep there

 **Courfeyrac** : yes but enjolras’ bed???

 **Grantaire** : well

 **Grantaire** : he wanted to take the floor

 **Grantaire** : and i wanted to take the floor

 **Grantaire** : so we both refused to take the bed

 **Grantaire** : and tried to sleep on the floor for like half-an-hour

 **Grantaire** : eventually we gave up and got on the bed

 **Grantaire** : WHERE NOTHING HAPPENED

 **Grantaire** : other than cuddling ofc

 **Grantaire** : SO GET YOUR MIND OUT OF THE GUTTER

 **Courfeyrac** : but you are sharing a bed

 **Courfeyrac** : how the fuck did nothing happen?

 **Courfeyrac** : have i taught you nothing?

 **Grantaire** : nothing useful

 **Courfeyrac** : ahah

 **Courfeyrac** : you are paying for that

 **Courfeyrac** : just like enjolras is paying for the post-its

 **Courfeyrac** : THIS IS WAR

 **Grantaire** : no this is cuddling

 

**10:05 AM**

**From Courfeyrac to All (except Enjolras and Grantaire), Courfeyrac’s phone.**

**Courfeyrac** : so

 **Courfeyrac** : i just declared a prank war against enjolras and grantaire

 **Courfeyrac** : and declared myself pranking khaleesi

 **Courfeyrac** : you shall be my pranking khalasar

 **Courfeyrac** : except combeferre

 **Courfeyrac** : who shall be my dragon

 **Courfeyrac** : dracarys, combeferre! dracarys!

 

**10:06 AM**

**From Combeferre to Courfeyrac, Combeferre’s phone.**

**Combeferre** : I worry about you.

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> You can find this part in gif format, along with all the other parts, [here.](http://1800-patria.tumblr.com/tagged/texting%20for%20patria/chrono)


	5. Part 5: The Great Prank War (Two)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Betaed by the lovely Jen.

**SATURDAY**

**10:09 AM**

**From Jehan to Courfeyrac, Courfeyrac’s phone.**

**Jehan:** A prank war?

 **Courfeyrac:** yay!

 **Courfeyrac:** finally someone is awake

 **Courfeyrac:** join me jehan

 **Jehan** : What?

 **Courfeyrac** : to prank or not to prank

 **Jehan** : Courfeyrac.

 **Courfeyrac** : that is the question

 **Courfeyrac** : whether tis nobler in the mind to suffer the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune

 **Courfeyrac** : or to take arms against a sea of troubles

 **Courfeyrac** : and by opposing end them

 **Courfeyrac** : to prank

 **Courfeyrac** : to sleep

 **Courfeyrac** : no more

**10:10 AM**

**Courfeyrac** : jehan?

**10:11 AM**

**Courfeyrac** : jehan?

**10:12 AM**

**Jehan** : I do not know you.

 

**10:30 AM**

**From Marius to Courfeyrac, Marius’ phone.**

**Marius** : Why are you pranking Enjolras?

 **Courfeyrac** : we

 **Marius** : What?

 **Courfeyrac** : the correct question is why are WE pranking enjolras

 **Courfeyrac** : and the answer to that question is ‘is there ever a reason not to prank enjolras?’

 **Marius** : Um.

 **Courfeyrac** : the answer to THAT question is of course ‘there is never a reason not to prank enjolras’

 **Marius** : I

 **Courfeyrac** : so you see dear marius your questions are pointless

 **Courfeyrac** : you shouldnt be wasting my time with them

 **Courfeyrac** : what you should be doing is helping me duct tape enjolras’ door shut

 **Marius** : Why are you duct taping Enjolras’ door shut?

 **Courfeyrac** : whats that?

 **Courfeyrac** : youre on your way as we speak?

 **Courfeyrac** : excellent

 **Courfeyrac** : youre a true friend marius pontmercy

 **Courfeyrac** : i knew i made the right choice in texting you

**10:32 AM**

**Marius** : You texted everyone?

 **Courfeyrac** : i’ll see you in a bit

 

**10:37 AM**

**From Marius to Cosette, Cosette’s phone.**

**Marius** : Help.

 **Cosette** : Are you okay?

 **Marius** : Duct tape.

 **Cosette** : What?

 **Marius** : So much duct tape.

 **Marius** : I don’t think I’ll ever be able to look at it the same way again.

**10:38 AM**

**Cosette** : Marius?

 

**10:40 AM**

**From Courfeyrac to Cosette, Courfeyrac’s phone.**

**Courfeyrac** : do you solemnly swear that you are up to no good?

 **Cosette** : Yes of course

 **Cosette** : But why am I swearing?

 **Courfeyrac** : the prank war!

 **Courfeyrac** : i had to make sure you were on our side before i let marius text you!

 **Courfeyrac** : i take my prank wars very seriously cosette

 **Courfeyrac** : i cant have any of you fraternizing with the enemy

 **Cosette** : You should probably stop including bahorel in the group texts then

 **Courfeyrac** : what

 **Cosette** : He texted me last night about enjolra **s** in staples?

 **Courfeyrac** : what

 **Cosette** : Buying post-it-notes?

 

**10:42 AM**

**From Courfeyrac to Bahorel, Bahorel’s phone.**

**Courfeyrac** : you traitor

 **Bahorel** : What?

 **Courfeyrac** : youre evil

 **Bahorel** : What?

 **Courfeyrac** : were you just going to let me keep telling you our plans like the evil person you are?

 **Bahorel** : Oh.

 **Courfeyrac** : oh?

 **Courfeyrac** : thats all you have to say for yourself?

 **Bahorel** : Hey, I’m not the one who stole Enjolras’ phone.

**10:43 AM**

**Bahorel** : Courfeyrac?

 **Courfeyrac** : you have to admit that was funny

 **Courfeyrac** : and besides

 **Courfeyrac** : it’s not everyday you get to use your obscure french history puns

 **Bahorel** : You say that like it’s a good thing...

 **Courfeyrac** : BUT YOURE DISTRACTING ME

 **Courfeyrac** : CONSIDER YOURSELF REMOVED FROM THE GROUP TEXTS

 **Courfeyrac** : AND TELL ENJOLRAS TO START SLEEPING WITH AN EYE OPEN

 

**10:44 AM**

**From Courfeyrac to Cosette, Cosette’s phone.**

**Courfeyrac** : that bastard

 **Courfeyrac** : i trusted him

 **Courfeyrac** : and he betrayed me

 **Courfeyrac** : at least i have you and marius

 **Cosette** : Oh yeah

 **Cosette** : What was marius going on about duct tape for?

 **Courfeyrac** : we duct taped enjolras’ door shut

 **Cosette** : Okay?

 **Courfeyrac** : with him inside

 **Courfeyrac** : and grantaire inside too so two birds with one stone

 **Courfeyrac** : you should be glad cosette

 **Cosette** : Why is grantaire in enjolras’ room?

 **Courfeyrac** : i laugh at anyone who says i dont have foresight

 **Courfeyrac** : and then i cry bc i didnt foresee them tackling me

 **Courfeyrac** : oh they slept together last night

 **Cosette** : WHAT

 **Cosette** : THEY DID WHAT

 **Cosette** : WHY THE HELL DIDN’T YOU LEAD WITH THAT

 **Cosette** : DAMMIT COURFEYRAC I HAVE TOO MUCH MONEY RIDING ON THIS

 **Cosette** : I NEED TO KNOW THESE THINGS

 **Cosette** : Dear god how much money did i just lose?

 **Courfeyrac** : NO

 **Courfeyrac** : NO WAIT HOLD ON

 **Courfeyrac** : NOT LIKE THAT

 **Courfeyrac** : NOTHING HAPPENED

 **Courfeyrac** : THEY JUST SHARED A BED

 **Courfeyrac** : THERE IS NO REASON TO BE KILLING ME

 **Courfeyrac** : PLEASE DO NOT KILL ME

**10:45**

**Courfeyrac** : COSETTE?

 **Cosette** : Oh

 **Cosette** : Why didn’t you say that to begin with?

**10:46**

**Cosette** : ?

 **Courfeyrac** : i have prank fever

 **Courfeyrac** : my prank senses are tingling

 **Courfeyrac** : the Prank is strong with this one

 **Courfeyrac** : it’s over 9000!

 **Cosette** : Are you okay?

 **Courfeyrac** : um

 **Courfeyrac** : can you bring me and marius some duct tape please?

 **Courfeyrac** : we ran out

 **Cosette** : You seem awfully convinced ill help you

 **Courfeyrac** : hey no you swore

 **Courfeyrac** : no take backs

 **Cosette** : Fine

 **Cosette** : Gimme five minutes

 **Courfeyrac** : cool

 **Courfeyrac** : …

 **Courfeyrac** : ……….

 **Courfeyrac** : ……………!!!!!!!!!!

 **Cosette** : What, courfeyrac

 **Courfeyrac** : arent you going to say it?

 **Cosette** : Say what?

**10:47**

**Cosette** : …

 **Cosette** : Really?

 **Courfeyrac** : :)

 **Cosette** : Mischief Managed.

 **Cosette** : Dork

 

**11:03 AM**

**From Grantaire to Éponine, Éponine’s phone.**

**Grantaire** : help

 **Éponine** : dont talk to me

 **Grantaire** : ponine im really sorry about the red wedding but i need you to help me

 **Éponine** : tough

 **Grantaire** : were talking life or death here

 **Grantaire** : eponine!

 **Éponine** : …

 **Éponine** : fine

 **Éponine** : whats wrong

 **Grantaire** : COURFEYRAC DUCT TAPED ENJOLRAS’ DOOR SHUT

 **Éponine** : …

 **Éponine** : so thats where you are…

 **Éponine** : i should have known hed help you

 **Éponine** : hang on

**11:04 AM**

**Éponine** : oh god

 **Éponine** : you werent kidding

 **Grantaire** : WHY THE HELL WOULD I KID ABOUT THIS

 **Éponine** : whoa chill

 **Éponine** : it’s not the end of the world

 **Grantaire** : I DONT THINK YOU UNDERSTAND THE GRAVITY OF THE SITUATION

 **Éponine** : enlighten me?

 **Éponine** : and stop using caps?

 **Éponine** : youre making my head hurt

 **Éponine** : it’s too early for this shit

 **Grantaire** : FINE

 **Grantaire** : fine

 **Grantaire** : do you know what today is

 **Éponine** : saturday?

 **Grantaire** : SATURDAY

 **Grantaire** : and do you know what yesterday was?

 **Éponine** : friday

 **Grantaire** : FRIDAY

 **Grantaire** : therefore it is a new day

 **Éponine** : right okay

 **Éponine** : still not seeing why you need to keep shouting at me about this

 **Grantaire** : AND SINCE ENJOLRAS IS ONE OF THOSE PEOPLE WHO PUTS ON DIFFERENT CLOTHES EACH DAY

 **Éponine** : pretty sure most people do that r

 **Grantaire** : ENJOLRAS IS CURRENTLY NOT WEARING ANY CLOTHES

 **Éponine** : wait what?

 **Grantaire** : i mean hes wearing boxers

 **Grantaire** : but still

 **Grantaire** : have you seen his boxers eponine

 **Grantaire** : if i hadnt spent most of last night pressed up to them id think they were painted on

 **Grantaire** : people shouldnt wear boxers that tight eponine

 **Grantaire** : it’s not fair

 **Éponine** : wait WHAT?

 **Grantaire** : i was afraid youd kill me

 **Grantaire** : so i slept in his room

 **Grantaire** : nothing happened

 **Grantaire** : it’s not important

 **Grantaire** : but his lack of clothes is

 **Grantaire** : please help

 **Éponine** : seeing as you are in his room

 **Éponine** : why doesnt he just put on clothes?

 **Grantaire** : IDK

 **Grantaire** : HELP

 **Éponine** : right

 

**11:05AM**

**From Éponine to Enjolras, Éponine’s phone.**

**Éponine** : why are you not wearing clothes?

 **Enjolras** : How do you know I’m not wearing clothes?

 **Enjolras** : Has Courfeyrac somehow installed a camera here last night?

 **Enjolras** : Because I am not okay with that.

 **Éponine** : think artsier and cynic-ier

 **Enjolras** : Oh.

 **Enjolras** : Why would he tell you that?

 **Éponine** : i think youre exploding his brain sweetie

 **Enjolras** : Good.

 **Éponine** : …

 **Enjolras**. Shit.

 **Enjolras** : I didn’t mean it like that.

**11:06 AM**

**Enjolras** : Éponine?

**11:07 AM**

**Enjolras** : Ép?

**11:10 AM**

**Enjolras** : I think this is where you’re supposed to tell me to put my clothes back on.

**11:11 AM**

**Enjolras** : Ép?

 

**11:11 AM**

**From Éponine to Grantaire, Grantaire’s phone.**

**Éponine** : im a much better friend than you deserve

 **Grantaire** : ?

 

**11:12 AM**

**From Éponine to Enjolras, Enjolras’ phone.**

**Éponine** : take the boxers off as well

 **Enjolras** : What?

 **Éponine** : for such an observant person r can be surprisingly oblivious when it comes to you

 **Enjolras** : Taking off my boxers doesn’t really seem appropriate.

 **Éponine** : shhh just trust me

 **Enjolras** : If he sues me for sexual harassment it’s your fault.

 **Éponine** : that is likely yes

 **Éponine** : however be that as it may

 **Éponine** : off they go

 **Enjolras** : Are you sure?

 **Éponine** : OFF WITH YOUR BOXERS

 

**11:13 AM**

**From Éponine to Courfeyrac, Courfeyrac’s phone.**

**Éponine** : enjolras is naked and locked in a room with grantaire rn

 **Éponine** : and it’s all because of me

 **Éponine** : youre going to owe me so much money

 **Courfeyrac** : what

 **Courfeyrac** : i mean

 **Courfeyrac** : WHAT

 **Éponine** : not the ‘fun naked together’ nakedness

 **Éponine** : just the ‘hello yes i am trying to woo grantaire with my nakedness’ nakedness

 **Courfeyrac** : i think this plan of yours lacks something

 **Éponine** : subtlety?

 **Courfeyrac** :  if by subtlety you mean the last shreds of enjolras’ self-respect

 **Courfeyrac** : as far as wooing grantaire is concerned, at least

 **Éponine** : are you just jealous because im going to win this bet

 **Courfeyrac** : ….

 **Éponine** : courfeyrac

 **Courfeyrac** : yes

 

**11:15 AM**

**From Enjolras to Courfeyrac, Courfeyrac’s phone.**

**Enjolras** : Help me.

 **Enjolras** : I’m naked.

 **Courfeyrac** : discovered your little problem have you

 **Courfeyrac** : i dont know why you didnt see this coming

 **Courfeyrac** : one does not simply go to war with a khaleesi of the prankthraki

 **Courfeyrac** : his black dragons are ridden by more than just marius

 **Courfeyrac** : there is mischief there that does not sleep and combeferre is ever watchful

 **Courfeyrac** : it is a barren wasteland riddled with hair dye, shrunk underwear and stolen phones

 **Courfeyrac** : the very air that you breathe is vaporized glitter

 **Courfeyrac** : not with ten thousand men you could do this

 **Courfeyrac** : it is folly

 **Enjolras** : ...

 **Courfeyrac** : hang on

 **Enjolras** : Did you just

 **Courfeyrac** : i just reread what i sent you

 **Courfeyrac** : i did not in any way shape or form mean to imply that marius has ridden, is currently riding, or will ever ride combeferre

 **Enjolras** : Was that both Lord of the Rings and Game of Thrones?

 **Courfeyrac** : thats my job

 **Enjolras** : What?

 **Courfeyrac** : what

 **Enjolras** : Anything you’d like to tell me, Courfeyrac?

 **Courfeyrac** : no hang on does this mean youve finally seen got?

 **Enjolras** : You say that like it’s some big thing.

 **Courfeyrac** : and lotr!?

 **Courfeyrac** : !!!!

 **Courfeyrac** : oh enjolras

 **Courfeyrac** : my baby’s all grown up

 **Enjolras** : Courfeyrac.

 **Courfeyrac** : shut up we’re having a moment

 **Enjolras** : 10 percent of a moment, maybe.

**11:17 AM**

**Courfeyrac** : AND AVENGERS QUOTES TOO

 **Enjolras** : Courfeyrac, you are missing the point.

 **Courfeyrac** : IM SO PROUD

 **Enjolras** : You’re so ridiculous.

 **Courfeyrac** : IF YOU WEREN’T TRAPPED IN YOUR ROOM AND CURRENTLY MY NEMESIS I’D BE HUGGING YOU RIGHT NOW

 **Enjolras** : Um.

 **Courfeyrac** : well probably not since youre naked

 **Courfeyrac** : id like to think we’re close

 **Courfeyrac** : but grantaire might actually kill me if i touch your naked body

**11:19 AM**

**Enjolras** : So you did notice that.

 **Courfeyrac** : what the naked thing?

 **Courfeyrac** : eponine told me

 **Courfeyrac** : good thing too

 **Courfeyrac** : cause that was a terrible opening

 **Enjolras** : What?

 **Courfeyrac** : like as sexting goes

 **Courfeyrac** : awful

 **Courfeyrac** : im pretty sure youre supposed to go ‘what are you wearing?’

 **Courfeyrac** : before saying anything

 **Courfeyrac** : otherwise youre just being presumptuous

 **Courfeyrac** : and id go for something a little more risque than just ‘im naked’ anyway

 **Courfeyrac** : like id be all ‘what are you wearing?’

 **Courfeyrac** : and youd be like ‘nothing’

 **Courfeyrac** : or ‘why--wanna rip it off me?’

 **Courfeyrac** : ‘with your teeth?’

 **Courfeyrac** : (im actually really good at that)

 **Courfeyrac** : (fyi)

**11:29 AM**

**Courfeyrac** : enjolras?

 **Enjolras** : That….horrible imagery aside, I do actually need your help.

 **Courfeyrac** : i

 **Courfeyrac** : do you not understand the meaning of a prank war?

 **Courfeyrac** : you pranked me

 **Courfeyrac** : i pranked you

 **Courfeyrac** : you cannot ask me to bail you out of my prank

 **Enjolras** : Fuck the prank.

 **Enjolras** : That is not the problem.

 **Enjolras** : The problem is Grantaire.

 **Courfeyrac** : right

 **Courfeyrac** : did you kill him?

 **Courfeyrac** : is this what this is about?

 **Courfeyrac** : did you give that boy a heart attack?

 **Courfeyrac** : you evil sexy minx

 **Enjolras** : No, you do not understand.

 **Enjolras** : Grantaire is in the closet.

 **Courfeyrac** : grantaire?

 **Enjolras** : Yes.

 **Courfeyrac** : in the closet?

 **Enjolras** : Yes.

 **Courfeyrac** : your grantaire?

 **Courfeyrac** : your grantaire is in the closet?

 **Enjolras** : He’s not my Grantaire.

 **Enjolras** : He’s just… a Grantaire.

 **Enjolras** : In the closet.

 **Enjolras** : He’s a Grantaire in the closet.

 **Courfeyrac** : so many dick in a box jokes

 **Courfeyrac** : so little time

 **Courfeyrac** : well, dick in a closet jokes

 **Courfeyrac** : but still

 **Enjolras** : Grantaire is not a dick.

 **Courfeyrac** : oh youd know all about grantaire and dicks, wouldnt you?

 **Enjolras** : I hate you so fucking much right now.

 **Courfeyrac** : so grantaire is in the closet?

 **Courfeyrac** : im sorry but since when is grantaire in the closet?

 **Courfeyrac** : this is the guy who serenaded you with ‘i touch myself’ the night he met you

 **Courfeyrac** : granted, he was drunk and it was karaoke night but come on

 **Enjolras** : No, not the metaphorical closet.

 **Enjolras** : A real closet.

 **Enjolras** : My real closet, actually.

 **Courfeyrac** : huh

 **Enjolras** : And he won’t come out.

 **Enjolras** : Help.

 **Courfeyrac** : right

 **Courfeyrac** : sec

 

**11:30AM**

**From Courfeyrac to Grantaire, Courfeyrac’s phone.**

**Courfeyrac** : come out of the closet r

 **Grantaire** : no

 **Courfeyrac** : nakedjolras awaits you outside of the closet

 **Courfeyrac** : if that isnt a nice incentive then i dont know what is

 **Grantaire** : no you dont understand

 **Grantaire** : thats precisely why i cant leave

 **Courfeyrac** : right

 **Courfeyrac** : we all know how much you hate staring at hot naked guys

 **Grantaire** : not hot naked guys

 **Grantaire** : just hot naked enjolras

 **Grantaire** : and it’s not hate exactly

 **Grantaire** : more like a keen sense of self-preservation

 **Courfeyrac** : you know

 **Courfeyrac** : enjolras is a great many things

 **Courfeyrac** : but he has never been subtle

 **Grantaire** : your point being?

 **Courfeyrac** : as far as wooing techniques go this is very unsubtle

 **Grantaire** : this isnt wooing

 **Grantaire** : this is just

 **Grantaire** : enjolras being enjolras

 **Courfeyrac** : because enjolras is known for his naked exhibitionist streak?

 **Grantaire** : yes

 **Grantaire** : wait no he isnt

 **Courfeyrac** : exactly

 **Courfeyrac** : just come out of the closet

 **Grantaire** : ill die courfeyrac i cant

 **Grantaire** : just get me out of here please

 **Courfeyrac** : god you are hopeless

 **Courfeyrac** : fine but let the record show that you are wasting a perfectly good opportunity to jump enjolras’ bones

 **Courfeyrac** : or, you know, boner

 **Grantaire** : you cannot say that to me when he is naked outside of the closet courfeyrac

 **Courfeyrac** : right

 **Courfeyrac** : my knight in shining armor shall be there in a minute

 **Courfeyrac** : id be there myself

 **Courfeyrac** : but enjolras would kill me and alas i am too pretty to die

 **Grantaire** : id answer that but i actually do want you to get me out of here

 **Courfeyrac** : wise man

 **Courfeyrac** : combeferre will be with you in a moment

 

**11:31AM**

**From Courfeyrac to Combeferre, Combeferre’s phone.**

**Courfeyrac** : soooooo

 **Combeferre** : No.

 **Courfeyrac** : but moooooooom

 **Combeferre** : No.

 **Courfeyrac** : but it’s for a good cause

 **Combeferre** : No.

 **Courfeyrac** : please

 **Courfeyrac** : i just need to get enjolras and grantaire out of enjolras’ room

 **Combeferre** : Finally realized that locking them in a room together isn’t really much of a punishment for either of them?

 **Courfeyrac** : yes

 **Courfeyrac** : also i may be about to lose the bet if you dont interfere

 **Courfeyrac** : seeing as enjolras is naked and all

 **Courfeyrac** : so you know

 **Courfeyrac** : go be my knight in shining armor

 **Combeferre** : Wait, what do you mean Enjolras is naked?

 **Courfeyrac** : i mean he is not wearing clothes

 **Courfeyrac** : would you like me to demonstrate?

**11:32AM**

**Courfeyrac** : combeferre?

**11:33AM**

**Courfeyrac** : comby?

**11:35AM**

**Courfeyrac** : are you ignoring me because i ate your homework that one time

 **Courfeyrac** : i was hungry and it smelled like oranges!

**11:36AM**

**Courfeyrac** : why dont you love me anymoooooore

**11:37AM**

**Courfeyrac** : was it something i did

**11:38AM**

**Combeferre** : Please don’t start that again.

 **Courfeyrac** : was it something you said

 **Courfeyrac** : dont leave me hanging

 **Courfeyrac** : in a city so dead

 **Courfeyrac** : held up so high

 **Courfeyrac** : on such a breakable thread

 **Courfeyrac** : you were all the things i thought i knew

 **Combeferre** : Fine, I’ll open the damn door.

 **Courfeyrac** : and i thought we could be

 **Combeferre** : Are you quite done singing Avril Lavigne songs?

 **Courfeyrac** : … for now

 **Combeferre** : Thank you.

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Unfortunately we ran into some problems making the gifs, so this part can be only found [here](http://1800-patria.tumblr.com/tagged/texting%20for%20patria/chrono) in png format.


	6. A (sad) word from your sponsors

Hey, guys! So, unfortunately all good things must come to an end and we are sad to announce that this fic will no longer be getting updated.

 

I suppose many of you saw this coming with I (Nat) left the Les Mis fandom back in December, but essentially, I am not invested in Les Mis or the characters anymore, and therefore it’s not fair to you (or me) or Marta to hold onto something as great as this fic. Cause it’s pretty damn great, I have to say, and comedic gold, and I had a blast writing on it and making you all laugh at our terrible jokes and puns. (I will now take the time to say that the fandom that eclipsed les mis in my heart is the one direction fandom and IF THIS HAS HAPPENED TO YOU AS WELL HIT ME UP ON TUMBLR WE CAN CRY TOGETHER.) (Marta would like to say that she, however, is still in the Les Mis fandom and you can always come cry to her about dead french revolutionaries. She also adds that speaking in the third person is hella fun and everyone should do it.)

 

Incidentally, this does not mean Marta and I have broken up. (Terrible asks she sent me aside.) (She deserved to be spammed with My Heart Will Go On, I don’t care what she says.--Marta) I’ve basically been saying from the beginning that the moment Marta tries to go her separate way and gets on a raft or boat or whatever leaving me on land in a very dickish and Pirates of the Caribbean way (I can totally pull off the Elizabeth Swan dramatic showing of leg and then taking her heart thing by the way), she’ll get about a few feet and I’ll pop up from where I’ve stowed away like , “so where are we going?”

 


End file.
